Tales Of The Giant Fist

Fighting evil is important, isn’t it? It’s very important indeed – fighting evil is the name of the game. Fighting evil is how we create evil after all, and where would we be without evil? Where indeed, you repeat dutifully, where indeed. It’s very important to further the Cause, to extend the Empire of Evil. Who knows where we would be otherwise. It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?


The system was supplying me with my identity. ‘Praise be to the system,’ I cried out, ‘the system is providing me with my identity.’ I carried on mumbling praises to the munificent system, to the All-Wise and All-Seeing System. ‘Oh great system,’ I mumbled, ‘thank you for this wonderful identity. We praise you for your most magnificent generosity. We are unworthy of your benevolence and we are eternally indebted to you for this most incredible gift…’ And so on and so forth.


As always, I involuntarily turned my mind to wondering what would happen if the system decided for some reason not to provide me with an identity, if the system decided to suddenly take it away from me again, and – as always – I was filled with a great and unspeakable terror. This made me mumble praises all the more of course, just in case the system was contemplated withdrawing its gift. ‘Oh Great System,’ I intoned drearily, ‘you are so great and I’m so unworthy. Thank you for bothering yourself to give me an identity even though I don’t really deserve it. Words cannot say how grateful I am for your splendidly magnificent munificence.’


Needless to say I didn’t actually like my identity very much – very often I found myself hating and despising it. Always I found myself bored to tears by it. It’s a pretty dismal, crappy old identity really, like something you’d find in a pound shop on a bargain self. Cheap and nasty it was, and mass-produced into the bargain. Every idiot has one, and they are all the bloody same – despite whatever attempts one might make to personalise it in some small way and make it special. On the other hand, I thought to myself dutifully, how terrible it would be if we didn’t have one. That’s why doesn’t do to complain too much – any crappy old piece-of-shit identity is better than nothing at all!


The system runs us as extensions of itself, of course. That’s important to know. That’s very important to know. We are it, really. The system has created each and every one of us in its own image, which is an honour that we definitely do not deserve! What a supreme honour that is, to be sure. It also means that the system itself must be crappy and third-rate of course, like some cheap piece of plastic junk that you – for some obscure reason – bought in a pound shop. That is an obvious extrapolation but it’s probably best to well stay away from it all the same. It’s probably best to stay away from it because it leads us down the path of blasphemy against the system.


We won’t go down that road, therefore. Anyone who knows what side their bread is buttered on knows not to go down that road. They all know it, we all know it. That’s basic intelligence – don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Or rather don’t bite the hand that defines you. Don’t bite the hand that defines you because if you do then it’s going to ball itself up into the most enormous fist you ever saw, a fist like a mountain or a giant moon-sized meteorite and it’s going to come hurtling in your direction and – at the risk of stating the obvious – when that enormous stony fist smashes into you at God-alone knows what velocity you are going to know about it. You’re going to know everything about it. Everything you need to know anyway. Everything you need to know for the purposes of this particular exercise at any rate – maybe not all the philosophy behind it. Maybe not all the metaphysical implications.


There’s no time for philosophy when that giant fist is coming at you, obviously. Philosophy just isn’t part of the equation my friend. The equation which can be conveniently written down in the form ‘Giant stone-like fist’ plus ‘Your head’ equals ‘X’. Please establish a value for the variable X, correct to within four decimal points. The first ten correct answers will be entered into our monthly draw and who knows what you might win? You’ll definitely win something great. Maybe a sling to put your head in…



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