The bigger and more powerful the lie the greater the advantage it will confer on us, were we to accommodate ourselves to it. Were we to be astute enough to accommodate ourselves to it, should I say.

So that’s good news. It’s good news if you happen to be smart enough to know what side of your bread has the butter on it, which in all fairness most people do. It’s fashionable to say that people are stupid I know, but I don’t think they are that stupid myself – we’re all smart enough to know what side our bread is buttered on when it comes to the question of what the biggest and most powerful lie in currency happens to be. We work that one out quickly enough, so it seems. We work out what the most powerful lie in town is and then we latch onto it. Boy do we latch onto it! You couldn’t prise us off it with a crowbar.

Saying that human beings are dumb is to let them off far too lightly, in my view. Lacking moral compass perhaps – yes, you could say that. Devoid of even the slightest trace of integrity? Yes – I’d go along with that. I’d have to concede that point against the human race. Abysmally fickle and completely fake? Fair point guvnor, I can’t deny that. And so on and so forth. You might possibly think that I’m just having a bad day (or a bad week, or a bad year, or a bad life) and that I’m merely projecting all that unprocessed negativity onto the human race as a whole, which naturally doesn’t seem like a very fair thing to do. I beg to differ, however. I’m being more thoughtful than you give me credit for, if that’s what you think.

‘He’s not a very positive guy’, you might say. ‘He isn’t saying any positive stuff and positive stuff is good,’ you might say. That’s it really isn’t it – it’s all about being positive, it’s all about coming up with that good old positive stuff. That’s the ultimate virtue isn’t it – painting a nauseatingly sentimental and completely untrue picture of the world out of some strange sense of duty. Please forgive me for not grasping the importance of this mighty principle, the supreme principle of positive thinking. Yes, yes, yes – the wonderful positive thinking! But don’t forget this principle either: the greatest confidence is generated by the mightiest lie, and so let us cast about for that lie and no other – the strongest lie, the most powerful lie, the most kick-ass lie. Let us find that lie and pledge allegiance to it.

Bring us word of this Uber-Lie, speak to us of the Master Lie that we might learn of it and follow it. The politician in his pulpit, the teacher standing by their blackboard, the officer of the law with his trusty truncheon, the taxidermist and the trombone player, the barrister and the barman, the ventriloquist and the veterinary surgeon, all joined together in solemn adoration of the most sacred porky! The fish in the sea may not know the nature of the medium within which they travel so freely, so it is written, and neither may we humans have insight into the Ocean of Lies within which we conduct our affairs. We cannot know the nature of this ocean. We cannot know the illusion for what it is. If you were to wonder why folk are always so damn busy, going here and going there, doing this and doing that, then this is why – we are busy chasing illusions. Or as we could also say, it’s because we can’t tell the difference between lies and the truth! No sir, we can’t…

‘Excuse me, dear sir,’ I say my poshest voice, ‘can you explain to me what the key difference is between lies and the truth?’ ‘Of course I can,’ replied the Liar, ‘I’d be delighted to explain that crucial point to you so that you can understand it more completely. Please step into my parlour!’ The power of lies, huh? The power of lies. Now there’s a topic, now there’s a subject to conjure with. Self-esteem doesn’t grow on trees, you know! Good gracious no it certainly doesn’t. Self-confidence doesn’t come from nowhere – total conformity to the Master Lie is needed for that…