I was trying to work out whether I have an aversion to doing wrong or an aversion to get caught doing for doing something wrong and I eventually came to the decision that it was the latter. It’s important to be honest with oneself, after all. Whenever possible. I was getting all these panicky feelings in my head and I was starting to hyperventilate, but that was probably just all the LSD I took earlier. I expect I took too much, as usual – out of pure mindless greed. Well that greed was re-bounding me now, I figured, trying to be at least halfway philosophical about it. It was too late to do anything else at this stage anyway. Other than be philosophical. I just had to grin and bear it, as they say. Keep a stiff upper lip, if that was at all possible. Pretend nothing bad was happening. No one ever overdosed on LSD after all, so that was an important thing to remember. It’s important not to do the wrong things in life, I told myself, because if you do then you might be caught and punished, like I had been…
It’s important to try to be honest with oneself, that’s what I always say. Well – I don’t always say that but perhaps I should. Or rather, maybe I should actually practice that moral principle and not just talk about it. Practice what you preach, right? I come out with a lot of shit, if I were to be honest about it. I’m always talking shit – the only time I stop is when I pause for breath. I was going to say, ‘the only time I stop is when I pause the breath or when I’m asleep’ but that isn’t really true either – people tell me that I even talk shit when I’m asleep, only not so loudly. I talk shit in a low voice when I’m asleep, so I’m told – muttering and mumbling so you can’t quite make out what I’m saying, but talking shit nonetheless. Just incoherent shit. I guess I’ll never stop at this stage – it’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime isn’t it? The simplest thing is just to see it through to its conclusion. That’s the way it looks to me, anyway.
Do you know that thing where you look in the mirror one morning and you realise that – unbeknownst to you – you’ve turned into a sad old git? You never saw it happen but it happened nonetheless. And now of course it’s too late for you to do anything about it. You’re lumbered with it. That’s a bad old feeling isn’t it? I think you’ll agree with me on that one – that’s a bad old feeling. Have you ever felt nostalgia for the life you used to lead, even though that life never existed, even though you are remembering it completely wrong? I have, for sure. I mourn what never was, I am wracked with heartache over something that never happened, something that never could have happened. Poignant, isn’t it? What does it all mean, I wonder. This ‘attachment to illusion’ business. It all seems rather odd when you think about it, doesn’t it? Kind of bizarre. I could understand it if the illusion had something good in it – that would make sense. But of course the whole point about illusion is that there’s nothing good in it, nothing at all. If there was something good in it then it wouldn’t be illusion! Don’t tell me you don’t find that kind of weird!? Take me for example – here I am getting all maudlin over a life I never had, feeling those savage pains of loss, and I never actually lost anything. What am I, some kind of frigging moron?
Is it normal to pledge one’s allegiance to the Principle of Evil, I wondered? Is that part of the Divine Plan? Is it normal for all human beings to worship Satan and raise mighty monuments to his name, in honour of this superb greatness? And if it isn’t normal then how come this is what we always do? Is it part of the Divine Plan for us all to make ourselves into Satan’s slaves and do his loathsome bidding in all things? These are just some of the questions that come along from time to time to trouble my head. Irksome questions, you might say; questions that don’t come with any easy answers. Easy answers are of course the province of the Devil and we mustn’t forget that. It’s very important to remember to praise Satan at every available opportunity for all the wonderful suffering and disappointment that he is going to bring us. That’s what I learned at school, anyway. Everything I learned at school was wrong of course. Isn’t that what schools are for, after all – to teach us wrong things?