I was searching for the pure wonderful essence of undiluted ego-joy. This was my quest, this was my never-ending quest. ‘Oh pure, pure essence of delightful ego joy – how truly joyful you are!’ This is the song that I was singing as I pursued my quest. My mind goes mad at the very thought of such joy. My body shakes and trembles – I break out in a cold sweat with the awful excitement of it all. ‘Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,’ I said to myself, ‘what must it feel like when one finally gets to experience the pure essence of ego-joy?’
Such was (and is) my quest, and a very worthwhile and wonderful quest it is too! I’m looking for my own version of the Holy Grail, after all, and that is the Archetype of all Quests. I laugh at the deludedness of all human beings, I laugh long and loud. Dressed up in all their fancy clothes, in all their fashionable finery and with their cocksure attitudes, where do they imagine they’re going with that? Posting thousands of pictures of themselves on Instagram because they think they look so great.
My mind was doing back-flips, trying to work out what the answer to the great riddle might be. ‘Perhaps,’ I said to myself, if there was a parallel universe in which instead of Cream of Mushroom Soup what you had instead was Cream of Gushroom Soup, then the answer might lie there? Why, who knows, in such a universe the very laws of nature itself might be rewritten’. I was going hot and cold with excitement. My body was break-dancing all by itself on the floor and a crowd of motley onlookers had gathered to watch. They were ghosts for the most part, deteriorated denizens of the lower astrals. I’d become something of a public spectacle, realised. Soon I would be on the news.
‘The pure essence of ego joy,’ I said to myself, ‘how wonderful would such a thing be! Could it even be quantified?’ If you could buy it in a supermarket then what supermarket would it be: Supervalu? Aldi? Lidl? Centra? Tesco? Londis? Joyces? Sainsburies? Or perhaps in Iceland, where the discount deals on offer are quite remarkable? Imagine what the queue would be like if that were the case! People would be killing each other to get to the front of the line. It would be mayhem. The pavement will be littered with broken bodies. ‘Suppose you found a portal and travel to a parallel world,’ I asked, ‘what would happen then?’
The ghosts looked on. They were a morose bunch, it occurred to me. Morose in the extreme. Not a lot of ego-joy there, evidently! They had made bad life choices when they had still been alive, that much was clear to me. They had obviously made some very bad choices indeed. ‘No wonder they look so bloody morose,’ I thought to myself, ‘can you blame the poor bastards for being such a bunch of killjoys?’ I tried to feel sympathy for them but couldn’t. I wasn’t interested in a bunch of loser ghosts. ‘Fuck them,’ I said, ‘they should have had more cop-on when they were still alive and not made such crappy life choices.’
Then the sexual visions began. The slow ecstatic writing of bodies engaged in sexual conduct. From time to time I thought I caught sight of someone I knew. ‘This must be Third Bardo stuff,’ I told myself. ‘Unmistakable Third Bardo stuff’. I was a captain of a starship and I had fallen asleep at the wheel. I had been travelling through multidimensional space but I had come a cropper. The dreams had taken over and I had forgotten the true nature of my mission. When I eventually woke up I was back on earth, in a somewhat dilapidated and disorientated state. I had a splitting headache and couldn’t stop shaking. I was back in London. Tottenham Court Road, by the look of it, and I was sitting on the pavement. People, dressed in their finery, walked by me on both sides – they actually stepped right over me in some cases. I wondered if I really existed.
Everything was grey and forbidding in this place. Everything was dull and lifeless-looking. I had wandered out of the Legendary Realm and ended up in the Literal Realm, I realised. Entropy had set in and I had been reified, turned into stone. Entropy was Lord and Master of this world. I had ceased to be a Hero and now I was just another piece of human flotsam that had been washed up by nameless cosmic tides onto an entropic beach somewhere. I had no credentials and it was only a matter of time before the police pulled me up and started asking questions that I knew I would not be able to answer…