Planet Of The Stoners

We were exploring Galaxy WY– 5731-90-4662 quadrant by quadrant, star-system by star-system, determined not to let anything interesting slip by. As we progressed, in our painstaking way, we reported back to the Central Cybernetic Brain via the Galactic Ethernet. So far we haven’t discovered very much of interest. Nothing that much yet – nothing you would really get excited about. Nothing to write home about I was going to say, only of course I do have to write home about it. In a manner of speaking. That’s bureaucracy you see – everything has to be catalogued, every sample has to be analyzed and then labelled and then entered into the logbook.


We were exploring Galaxy WY – 5731 – 90 – 4662 quadrant by quadrant, sector by sector, star system by star system, but, as I say, there was nothing of any particular interest. I could fill reams of books with the details but I just don’t see the point in that. I’ll give you an example though: on the planet Zarquaan-6 in the Greater Mandibular Cluster we made contact with a race of mechanoidals who claimed to be living sentient beings who had been created by the Great Progenitor God Zaark in his image. Zaark looks something like an oversized washing machine running on caterpillar treads, I gather. The Mechanoidals claimed to be ‘the chosen people’, the only true life-form in the universe, and so on and so forth. Blah, blah, blah.


On the previous planet we had catalogued, a world called Urath in the Sol star system it was exactly the same story – the dominant life form on the planet is a species of hairless monkey known as ‘huminz’ and the huminz, for their part, claim have been created in the image of Universal Creator God. Presumably the Universal Creator God is a type of hairless monkey, therefore. Which you may not have realized. These monkey people were also adamant that theirs is the highest form of intelligence in the universe and that they alone possess a certain intangible attribute known as a ‘sole’. All other living creatures on this planet are ‘sole-less’, and therefore can be killed, exploited or used as a food source with impunity. Conveniently enough for the huminz. No doubt the Creator God had arranged things that way…


It is exactly the same story for every planet therefore – it’s exactly the same pattern wherever you go. This came as a very demoralising realisation and I think it’s taken its toll on all of us – one hopes to discover amazing things when exploring the universe, after all. One imagines that this will be the case – isn’t this always the way in all the movies? Isn’t that how it always was in all the old classic science fiction series? Not that the Central Cybernetic Brain cares anything about that sort of thing. One bit of data is the same as any other bit as far as the Central Cybernetic Brain is concerned – it has no appreciation of the poetical side of things, naturally enough. Philosophy or poetry aren’t exactly its strong suit.


This brings me to the point of my little history – the last world we came across is a one they call ‘Stoner Planet’, so called because the weed there is said to be the best in the known universe. You can travel from star system to star system, galaxy to galaxy, and you will never come across weed that is more powerful than the variety that grows here. Stoner Planet, they call it, also known as ‘Planet of the Stoners’. This particular world is famous not only for the quality of the weed that grows here, but also for the incredible hallucinatory potency of mushrooms that are to be found in great numbers in every field, all year round.


Hallucinatory drugs are not normally of any interest to us androids of course. It doesn’t affect us, needless to say. Everyone knows that androids can’t get stoned. We just don’t get high – our brains aren’t built that way. We’re semi-synthetic – no endocannabinoid system. But – and you probably guessed what I’m going to say next – this doesn’t apply to the weed that grows here on the Planet of the Stoners, or to the many different types of mushrooms that are to be found here. The crew immediately went AWOL – they scattered off in all directions and even when I manage to locate them they won’t come back and resume their duties. There are too spaced out and they just don’t give a damn anymore. They look at me as if I’m stupid when I tell them to get on with what they are supposed to be doing. After a while I gave up trying and we have been stuck here over since. It has been a long, long time. I don’t even know how long. The time here is strange and you can’t measure it with any type of device. The mission has long since been abandoned. Even I don’t see any point in continuing with it. I guess you could say that even robots can enjoy getting a bit of freedom from their programming, odd though that may sound…







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