I was trying to maintain the ego-construct in a viable – or at least halfway viable way. ‘Maintain the ego-construct, maintain the ego-construct, maintain the ego-construct…’ my thoughts told me in their characteristic stentorian tones. It was like having someone roaring in my head with a megaphone. I was doing my best of course. We all do our best, don’t we? We all have that in common – we all do our best to maintain the ego-construct. We succeed – or we fail – to varying extents of course, but we do try. God loves a trier, so they say, but I don’t know how well that applies in this case. I’m doubtful about that. ‘Try harder, you bastard,’ my mind snarls at me, ‘you’re letting things slip. You’re letting the side down. You’re making a complete mess of it…’
My mind had turned vicious at this stage you see. Vicious, vicious, vicious. It turned toxic on me and that was bad news. It’s bad enough struggling to maintain the ego-construct when you sense that the tide has turned against you without having the toxic abuser-mind screaming at you and telling you how pathetically worthless you are. ‘Is that supposed to help?’ I’d like to ask that toxic old abuser mind. You stupid fuck. Do you really think that’s going to help?’ How the hell is non-stop abuse and recrimination going to help in the job of maintaining the ego-construct, right?
It’s gone beyond trying to help at this stage of course. I realise that. This is the stage where there is nothing but abuse and putdowns. The stage when the mind really lets fly. It’s given up on you at this stage and it just wants to put the boot in. This is such a dismal situation to find oneself in of course – thoroughly dismal, frighteningly dismal. I know no one likes to talk about dismal situations. I know we all like the upbeat stuff –the stuff fantasies are made of, shall we say – but there you are. Reality has a flavour all of its own and it doesn’t necessarily agree with your fantasies. Reality has a flavour all of its own and you don’t necessarily want to go thinking that that it will be a pleasant one. It may not be and please trust me on that! Please trust me. Please trust me on that one. It may not be so pleasant at all…
There are times when I can’t actually remember what I’m talking about or why. Many times, as it happens. Many, many times. My mouth races on ahead and leaves everything else behind, so to speak. It’s like an army division that advances too fast and outstrips its supply chain. Who knows, maybe they are on military-grade Methedrine or something like that. Like the Nazis were. That’s bad news when you do that, right? That’s very bad news. Trust me on that because I know. You’ve left reality far behind in your foraging ahead. Forging ahead I mean. You’re out on a limb and that limb is about to give way. It is giving way. ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ you ask. And then you realise – you’ve outstripped your reality supply. You’re out there, way out there in your private fantasy and none of it makes sense. Even to you it doesn’t make sense. No sense at all.
My ego was going mental. Totally, totally mental. Like, really mental. It was wanting to do that good, good stuff. The great stuff, the awesome stuff. Etc. etc. ‘I’m going to do the great, great stuff,’ it said. ‘Get out of my way – can’t you see that I’m going to do the great great stuff? Get out of my face.’ There’s no holding it back when it’s like that – there never is. It was as if it had rabies or something. It was frothing at the mouth. I’m gonna do the good stuff now it said only when it came to it couldn’t. When it came down to it it was one hundred per cent useless, embarrassingly useless. Hideously useless. It couldn’t do anything, it couldn’t even let out a convincing fart, but that’s the way it always is isn’t it? The decrepit old ego-construct finally has its long-awaited moment of glory only it’s not really that glorious when it comes down to it. When it comes to the crunch. Far from it.
Share the experience they say. Share the experience because everyone else wants to know too. You get validation that way, they say. But no – that’s not true. I can tell you that for nothing. You are entombed in shame. Personal and private shame that’s no longer so private. You ever had that happen to you? You know what that feels like? You’ve been caught out in a private fantasy and even you’re shocked by what you’ve been caught out doing. Even youcan’t believe it. No way can you believe it. How the hell did that happen you wonder? How the hell…? That’s not a good situation as I’m sure you will agree. The unendurable ongoing pain and frustration of egoic existence is no joke, is it? It’s not exactly what you’d call a pleasant situation is it? Not pleasant at all. You to all the trouble of maintaining the bloody old ego-construct and then that’s what happens. That’s what you get for it.
