My treacherous brain was busy secreting depression chemicals again. It had gone into overdrive. How I despise that treacherous brain of mine! I hate it with a passion. I’d love to spoon it out and feed it piece-meal to a pondful of voracious catfish. Catfish will eat anything you know. A catfish would swallow a pigeon whole and think nothing of it. I’ve seen it on television. A fully grown catfish can be as big as a horse, you know. Then they’re called horsefish. Only kidding! There is such a thing as a horsefish of course but they are only very small and they certainly can’t eat pigeons. They cling to strands of seaweed with their prehensile tails and feed on plankton. They are very delicate creatures. I’ve always been fascinated by fish – there’s just something about them. And then there’s the unconscious symbology of fishes to consider as well – we mustn’t forget that. As for example in the secret sign or emblem of the early Christians. Thinking about fish always cheers me up for some reason. I could talk about them for hours. I won’t though because people quickly get fed up – they want to hear about other things, not fish. The only time most people are interested in fish when they are all battered and deep-fried and wrapped up in newspaper – isn’t that right? Anyway, that’s enough of that. I don’t want to go down the road of being critical of my fellow man – I know where that road leads to you see – I’ve been down it before. There is an unpleasant surprise waiting for anyone who goes down that road but I won’t talk about that. I don’t want to be a party pooper you see – I don’t want to spoil the surprise. I feel like saying ‘life’s a funny thing’ but I won’t because I hate people who say that! And yet at the same time I can sympathise with why they say it, because life actually is a funny thing, if we were to be honest about it. We’re never so far away as when we’re far away, are we? That’s a thought that just occurred to me. I am far away right now – far away from myself, that is. Far away from what my genuine feelings might be, far away from my actual sense of what is real. I’m disconnected from reality is what I’m trying to say, I guess. I’m disconnected from the core value of actual reality itself and – as a result – left at the mercy of whatever phantasmagorical bullshit might be floating around in my head. Well, there’s no shortage of that anyway, says you! My brain is up to no good –it’s plotting against me on some level or other. It’s busy thinking of ways to undermine me, ways to make a fool of me. When I think that what I could have been, what I could have achieved, if my brain hadn’t been sabotaging me the whole way that makes me very bitter. As it is, I have to face up to the fact that I’m a chronic underachiever every day and as time goes on I just keep underachieving more. That’s not an easy awareness to go around with every day, as I’m sure you can appreciate. It can very easily get you down. There you are, going around, engaging dutifully in your daily business, doing the bits that you’ve got to do, passing the time as best you can when you’ve got no bits to do (or in – in my case – when you’re avoiding doing them) and then there is the awareness, following you around, haunting you wherever you go – the awareness that you could have done better. That’s what they wrote on my school reports, funnily enough. I just remembered that. That’s a tough one, isn’t it? That’s definitely a tough one to live with. Of course, the other possibility is that I could just be self-obsessed. People sometimes say that to me – “Don’t you think that you could just be self-obsessed and there isn’t really any big problem after all? Did you ever think that maybe it’s all in your head?” Or words to that general effect. Needless to say it annoys the crap out of me when I hear this. Of course it’s all in my head! Where the fuck else would it be? Telling someone that their problems are probably due to the fact that they are self-obsessed isn’t particularly helpful either. That’s something I really do feel I need to point out. Passing on the information to someone that their problem is essentially that they are self-obsessed isn’t exactly the most useful bit of information in the world is it? If I point out to you that your hat is on fire then you can take it off in a hurry and then jump and down on it. That’s useful information to pass on to someone. But what the hell are you supposed to do if someone tells you that you’re self-obsessed? That’s only going to make you worse!