I love to relate the wonder inventions of humankind from its murky beginnings back in the dawn of recorded history to the present day of equally murky modern times of which I speak. Down from the murky beginning to the present end of time days which are also murky. What is the best invention ever, I ask myself? A lot of people will say lots of different things, of course – some people might say that it is soup that you can make in a cup just using hot water from a kettle. Other people might say that the best invention is the X-box. It could be anything really. It could be cheese – you might think that cheese is the best human invention. Or the digestive biscuit perhaps. Or rich tea biscuits. A tale of rich tea biscuits and their relevance to the zeitgeist of an era that is now forever gone, gone without a trace.

 

I don’t know. It’s a wide-open field what people could say about that. I’m not a human myself but I have made quite a study of them. Humans are gone now so it is very interesting to me to try to work out what the human experience was like, what the meaning of ‘being a human’ is (or rather what it was). I’d like to meet a live one of course but they aren’t any of them left. Not now that we have finally reached the ‘end days’ – the so-very-famous end days that everyone used to love talking about so much. ‘Used to’ being the operative phrase, of course.

 

I love to relate to the wonder inventions of human race, right back from the very earliest days. I’m sorry, I think I said that already, didn’t I? I’m a bit of a ‘creature of habit’, I am afraid. I’m very much a creature of habit. Habits are all I am or ever could be. Habits are the beginning and the end of me. That’s why it’s so important not to fall into bad habits. That’s why it’s so important not to fall into bad habits like I did! Not that there’s any such thing as good habits either, even though people always used to say that there was. Years and years ago – well, centuries and centuries ago would be more like it – they loved to throw that sort of stuff at you the whole time. The ten important habits of successful people, the seven habits of happy people, the two hundred and twenty four habits of effective communicators. That sort of thing. How the human race used to love throwing bullshit around, huh? They loved bullshit so much…

 

I’m not a human being but I used to be. A very long time ago. I can’t really remember what that was like that – I’d like to make that point. It’s like when you’re an adult and you think back to when you were a kid and you realise that you can’t remember what that was like. It’s as if children are a different species to us so that when you try to relate yourself as you were when you were a child you just can’t. That child has nothing to do with you as you are today, nothing at all. In the same way I am so very far away from what I was when I was a human – humans are a different species for me, a very different speciesdip, ited.$1,010/1–

 

Being a person means absolutely nothing to me, it’s not even in my dreams. Only cascading decay products are in my dreams. All the same, I was a human once. I was a human once but now I’m only a residual. That’s what they call us. That’s what we call us because there is only us now. No one here but us residuals, right? No one here, no one here, no one here but us old residuals. Like a bad smell you can’t get rid of. The universe is gone, long since gone, gone without a trace. What the hell was the universe anyway? What was that crazy shit? We must had some good times back then, I think nostalgically. Not that we were them of course and or that they would eventually be us. Someone must have had some good times back then, let us say. Let’s leave it at that. I still get excited about humanity – I like to see myself as a historian, I guess you could say. I don’t think we should forget about history just because there’s no such thing as the universe any more. I like to try to keep history alive – alive for us residuals, anyway.

 

A faulty script is slowing your reality down, what you want to do? What do you want to do about it? What can you do about it, anyway? What’s left of reality is full of glitches. You never saw anything as glitched as reality, I’m telling you. That’s what reality is, come to think of it. What’s left of reality is one big fat glitch – the granddaddy of all glitches, the biggest and nastiest glitch ever. You couldn’t imagine. So much has been lost. So much has been lost and is it really worth trying to recall it? Isn’t that just a way of tormenting yourself, some would say? Not for me though. To me it is a positive thing. Everyone’s got to have a hobby after all and that is mine. I like to think of myself as the last historian, the historian at the End of Time…