Reaching A Low Point

I had reached a particularly savage low point in my life and I don’t really want to say any more about it than this. It is sufficient merely to say that I had hit a real low point – morally, emotionally and physically. I was going to say ‘spiritually’ as well then I realised that I don’t know what that means; it sounds good but that’s about it, as far as I can tell. I don’t know what people mean when they talk about ‘spiritual well-being’ or ‘spiritual health’ or whatever. It’s an important element in mental health these days – apparently – but does anyone know what is? I’d be willing to bet good money on the fact that no one really knows just what the hell this is actually supposed to mean. Anyway – as I say – it’s a real low point and I never saw it coming. It was waiting for me around the corner. My self-esteem was in tatters, my self-esteem was non-existent. Well, to be honest, my self-esteem is non-existent anyway – I don’t have such a thing and I never have done. I don’t even know what it means, now that I mention it. What joker invented the idea of self esteem? What freaking clown came up with this ? Are we supposed to go around ‘positively esteeming ourselves’ the whole time? Is that the idea? Self-esteem is a total lie in my view but the absence of it isn’t! No sir, the absence of it isn’t. You know what it’s like – I presume – to look at yourself and be utterly appalled at the profound, sickening worthlessness of what you see? Not only is it the case that you don’t like what you see (‘Hey guess what you guys, I’ve just discovered that I don’t esteem myself very much!’) but that you pitilessly see yourself for exactly what you are and ‘what you are’ is utterly lacking in any worth at all. And when I say ‘utterly lacking in any worth at all’ I really do mean exactly that. I mean exactly that with no frills or bells attached. It is as simple as that, it really is. This is a cold fact that has been revealed to you – an indisputable fact. No one is disputing it, least of all you. And it’s not even that it’s such a big deal or anything like that, really. It’s no big deal – it just is what it is. A maggot is a maggot and a tapeworm is a tapeworm and you are what you are. There is nothing dramatic about it at all, as I have just said, it’s a cold fact just like many other cold facts you could contemplate if you wanted to. Who cares, anyway? You obviously care (inasmuch as you are profoundly appalled and shocked by this revelation) but no one else does. No one else gives a damn. Why would they? It’s not like it’s anyone else’s business after all. They’ve got their own lives to be getting on with, after all, and you’re no concern of theirs. But the point here is of course that you can’t just ‘get over it’ – you can’t do that because it’s you that we talking about here. That utterly corrupt and completely worthless creature is you and so where exactly are you going to go with that? What’s your next step? How are you supposed to ‘make a go of things’ when this is your starting point? You’d like to walk away, you’d love to walk away – that would be the best thing in the world as far as you’re concerned – but you just can’t.  You can’t go anywhere and start over because you have to bring yourself with you. That’s your ‘starting-off point’ and there’s no other, but at the same time, as I said, where do you go with this? I know you’re getting pissed off with me at this point, I can feel it. ‘Get over it buddy,’ you’d like to tell me. ‘Would you just get over yourself? Go and sign up on a self-esteem course or something. Go and stand in front of the mirror and do some fucking self affirmations…’








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