How much of your life was spent laughing at jokes that weren’t funny, reading online articles that weren’t interesting, watching TV shows that sickened you to the core, chatting to friends who weren’t even your friends? How much of your time has been taken up by doing this? Well I don’t know about you but I’m fed up with it. I’m fed up with it and I’m going to put my foot down! And I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’ve got plenty of feet to put down. I’ve got plenty of feet to put down because I’m the human centipede! You can read all about me in the Guinness Book of Records – I’m the man with the most legs in the whole wide world. They call me the human centipede and it’s no secret why – no secret at all. A lot of people base their lives on secrets of one type or another but not me; I have no secrets because I’m not ashamed of my centipede form. Admittedly it’s far from attractive, but it’s great for other things – it’s great for fighting for example. Each of my many legs ends in a sharp claw and I can inject poison into your body simply by scratching you. You don’t want to tangle with me that’s for sure, and I use the word ‘tangle’ advisedly. If I really sunk my claws into you’d swell up like a balloon – you’d be in agony for weeks and if I actually bit you it would be worse again. You don’t want to know what would happen if I actually sunk my razor-sharp mandibles into you and injected a big whack of neurotoxin to your soft, clammy, defenceless body! That wouldn’t be good news for you at all….
I’m not vicious or aggressive by nature though. I meditate a lot and I like to study philosophy in my spare time. I’m fairly chilled out. I particularly like reading the French philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre and Jean Baudrillard. Baudrillard is my favourite – I love his concept of the hyperreal and I feel that I can really relate to it. It is very relevant to modern 21st-century living in my opinion. We spent most of our time in hyperreality and we very rarely come up for air. Air would actually kill us at this stage; it has become toxic for us – just as we have become toxic for it. I do a lot of walking meditation, needless to say. I also like to practice informal mindfulness meditation which is where we don’t ‘practice’ at all. You just have to be whatever way you are. This is a very advanced form of meditation however and I certainly wouldn’t recommend it for beginners. It’s indistinguishable from normal life.
Sometimes when I meet people for the first time I like to ask them what the greatest and most wonderfully splendid thought was that they had ever had in their lives; their answer allows me to size them up and know whether it is worth cultivating their acquaintance or not. Most people are very superficial you see and I don’t wish to waste my time talking to them. Some people try to turn this around on me and ask me what the greatest and most magnificent thought I have ever had was but when they do this I know that they are just playing for time and so I walk away without engaging them any further. Sometimes people get angry when I ask them this question and I know they would like to hit me. They don’t though because they can see that I’m armed to the teeth with venomous claws and they don’t wish to push their luck. These are the superficial ones who don’t like to be reminded that they are superficial. They like to think that they are smart and as a consequence they hate having their cosy bubbles of self-deception rudely punctured! There is no polite way to puncture someone’s cosy bubble of self-deception however; the only way to do this is in a rude way. The ruder the better in my view….
Life is an enigma to us all anyway my friend and so there’s no question of me claiming to have any kind of ‘superior knowledge’ and thereby ‘put one over’ on someone else. That’s one point that I’m very clear on. Life is an enigma and so we are all in the same boat. We are all in the same boat and no one knows where it is sailing! Some say that it’s sailing here and some say that it’s sailing there but they’re wrong. People who say this are invariably narcissists stuck in their own private bubbles of self-deception. They’re deluded and they want everyone else to be deluded too because they feel bad about themselves. People who claim to have superior knowledge are always self-deceiving narcissists. People who claim to have superior knowledge are self-deceiving narcissists who have less sense than a dung beetle. Dung beetles are smart compared to them, and a lot better company too! What a bunch of muppets! Life is an enigma to us all and I would like to see someone try to deny it. The next time you meet someone who is trying to put one over on you I’d like you to remember what I have just told you and that will make it clear to you who the dick-head really is! It’ll make that clear every time! The dick-head is them every time and so make sure you tell them that!