The Shame Of Existence

Fear came a-knocking on my door, ‘knock, knock, knock’ it went. ‘Knock, knock, knock.’ I ignored it though; I stayed in my bed and pretended it wasn’t there.

 

Fear came a-knocking on my door, fear came a-knocking on my door. I stayed quiet of course, hoping he would go away. Hope’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it? It springs eternal, so they say. It really does spring eternal – they’re not joking when they say that.

 

Hope springs eternal and so does fear! So does fear. Fear springs eternal to my breast anyway. The fear grows stronger every day and the hope has become pretty damn forlorn at this stage I can tell you. The hope has become better damn forlorn at this stage but I cling to it all the same. I cling to it all the same.

 

‘But suppose you die?’ my mind says to me with a big wink of its eye. You didn’t think of that now did you?’ You didn’t think of that.

 

I’m driving down the road. The advert on the billboard tells me that Coca Cola is going to come in a sleek new can now. Something different, a whole new look. It’s happening real soon – maybe it’s already happened. Maybe the billboard’s been up a while. My heart is filled with jubilation…

 

Jubilation is a great thing isn’t it? You can’t get enough of it. Bring it on, that’s what I say. Bring it on. Bring on the sleek new Coke cans. Some genius in PR has come up with a good one there – they’re playing a blinder!

 

I have an odd type of relationship with my mind. Well, I suppose it’s not that odd really. I suppose it’s pretty much the same as anyone else’s relationship with their mind when it comes down to it. It’s odd the way we keep thinking that we’re odd, isn’t it? We always think that we are the exception. That’s funny, isn’t it? That’s the thing that I’ve learned anyway – that there ARE no exceptions.

 

Fear came a-knocking, fear came a-knocking. I always used to think that I was the exception. It wasn’t even a thought really – it was more of a deep-down awareness. I knew I was odd – and not in any sort of a good way, I hasten to add! Not in a splendid or magnificent sort of a way; more ‘odd in an acutely embarrassing sort of a way’, I guess I’d have to say. More ‘odd in a shameful way’.

 

‘The shame of existence,’ I call that. ‘Existence-shame’ – shame pertaining to the very state of existence. ‘We’ve all been there,’ I joke halfheartedly. The joke has fallen flat though. As flat as flat can be. I’m met with stony silence, the same as always. As stony as stony can be…

 

Sometimes I notice that I’m in the world. ‘Hey buddy,’ I say to myself, ‘you’re in the world! Check it out…’ Yeah whatever, I think to myself. Quit annoying me. Quit bothering me – can’t you see I’ve got other things on my mind? Sometimes I notice, sometimes I notice. I try to take an interest in life – I really do. ‘Hey look, there’s life’ I say to myself. Take a bit of an interest would you? Why don’t you walk up to life and introduce yourself? Why don’t you walk up to life and say hello?

 

I sit at one end of the room and my mind sits at the other. From time to time we trade insults. ‘Hey shit-for-brains,’ my mind says to me, ‘why don’t you ever do anything with your life?’ Hey shit-for-brains, why are you such a loser? Why are you such a loser? Why are you such a loser.

 

I for my part try to come up with some sort of stinging riposte, ‘Shut the fuck up you cunt,’ I say curtly, after considering my reply at length. Why don’t you just shut the fuck up.

 

People often try to say that your mind is you. That’s their inspired addition to the ongoing discourse! People are full of inspired additions to the ongoing discourse, aren’t they? They really are. You bet they are…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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