So I got myself a mullet haircut and became Mullet Boy but what I had forgotten was that a mullet is also a fish and so I became a bottom feeder. I became Fish Boy instead but I could not honour the exalted status of my destiny and so…
What am I supposed to say now, huh? Just answer me that, just answer me that. I’m blabbering helplessly like a pathetic fool at this stage. I’m looking for redemption from the mouths of bastards. I’m looking for redemption from the mouths of bastards but do you think I’ll ever find it?
I set out to become Mullet Boy but it was never going to work out for me. Almost right from the beginning things started to go wrong for me. Things started to go off the rails for me almost immediately, can you believe that? There was no ‘honeymoon period’ – just a long slow decline. The infamous decay function cutting in straightaway without so much as a murmur of apology, without so much as a ‘by your leave’.
Fate has no manners, did you ever hear that saying? Probably not, seeing as I just made it up just now. Seeing as I made it up just now out of pure spite. Spite is one thing I’m not going to run out of any time soon! So much from my dreams, huh? Pathetic as they were. And I’d be the first to admit that. All I wanted was to be Mullet Boy, all I wanted was to be another mullet head in a world full of mullet heads. Mulleting along happily with all the other good old mullet heads. Only it all started to go sour on me right from the word ‘go’.
I automatically assumed that I was great, you see. I made that assumption. As you do, as you do. How was I to know any different? I automatically assumed that I was great and then set out on this basis. Only I never did set out of course because the decay function set in straight away. It got there before me. My dreams started to decay almost immediately. They smelled like a pool of rancid Camembert on a hot afternoon. If there could ever be a symbol for the decay function, what would it be? What would the sigil for the decay function look like? Answers on a postcard please, answers on a postcard. That’s what they used to say, you know. Back in the days before the decay function had been invented. Send us a postcard from hell and let us know how you’re doing. What’s the glyph for the decay function? What’s its coat of arms? A maggot resplendent in a field of oozing puss? A nematode rampant on a field of nematodes?
I automatically assumed that I was someone – I automatically assumed that I was a person, that I was a self. ‘Now you’re a person, now you’re a self,’ I told myself stridently. Embrace it. Build your life on that foundation. Seize the day. Seize the day before it seizes you and shakes the living shit out of you. Rejoice in the authenticity of your freshly-minted ego identity. Hot off the press as it was, hot off the press as it was. Hot and steaming guvnor, hot and steaming – just the way you like it.
I automatically assumed that I was somebody but that didn’t last long! Although now that I hear myself coming out with all this crap I’m forced to question myself. ‘Is all this really true?’ I ask myself. It really true or is it just another of my lies? Whenever I hear myself coming out with stuff like this I wonder if I’m not just coming out with yet another of my lies. Another of my old, old lies – only given a quick ‘brush-up’ so that it looks half-way new. Given a hasty make-over…
My lies are so pernicious, you see. They’re horrifically pernicious. They coagulate in great ungainly clumps and form entire ecosystems all by themselves. A variety of diverse creatures can live in these ecosystems. They don’t exactly thrive it’s true, but they do eke out a living. They survive from day to day in some kind of fashion, at least. They find niches for themselves and hang on grimly. They hang on grimly in the face of overwhelming adversity.
My lies are so very pernicious. I set out to be a mullet head in the face of terrible adversity but I soon had that beaten out of me! I got the green light but then the next thing I knew I was well and truly snookered. I got the ‘thumbs-up’ but then the next thing I knew I tripped up and fell down a deep dark hole. I was just on the point of launching into big old spiel there about how badly I wanted to be this thing which I somehow thought existed (because I was so ridiculously naïve, although ‘naïve’ isn’t really the word I want) but which didn’t.. I was just about to go down that road but I caught myself in time. ‘Thank God for that’, I hear you say, ‘thank God that…’