‘You have made me very angry, and you have also made me deeply sad’, the mad god babbled at me, ‘but now it is time for you to go away forever.’ Now it is time for you to go away forever, now it is time for you to go away forever, now it is time for you to go away forever… I was lost in a reverie – suppose you were the ego-construct and that you were having a very bad time,’ I found myself wondering, ‘what would happen then?’ What would happen then? What would happen then? What could your next step be? How could this unfortunate situation be corrected? I was lost in a reverie, lost in a dream. Lost in a reverie, lost in a dream. My mind was whirring through all the various possibilities – what was the correct procedure, what was the recommended sequence of logical responses? How do we manage in an unbearable situation? How do we cope with our emotions, unendurable as they are? Can the delusory yet nevertheless durable ‘self-system’ be cured by CBT? Some people were having a good time, others were not. Some people were suffering the anguish of unendurable neurotic torment. Others had yet to suffer this unendurable torment. Everything was happening inside my own head, I realised – my head was getting bigger by the second. It was expanding outwards into space at a tremendous speed. My head is so vast, I realised. It was vast beyond comparison. It was vast and empty and everything was happening in it. Some people were happy, others were sad. Creatures fulfilled the biological imperatives of their existence. They had to fulfil these imperatives. They had no choice. Is it okay to obey the biological imperatives of our existence when we have no choice, I wondered. Or is it wrong? Will it always be wrong? Will WE always be wrong? Are we bound to be wrong, no matter what we do? Some people were happy, others were sad. Dog owners were taking their pets for walks. Young mothers were pushing prams in the park. Ducks were swimming about happily in the duck pond. And it was all happening inside my head! It was all happening in my head and my head didn’t even exist. I didn’t even exist, never mind my head. I realise now what a terrible tragedy it all is. I realise what a tragedy it is that we have to spend all our time explaining to each other about the mechanical conditions and necessities of our mundane existences. I realize now what a tragedy it is that we have to be endlessly enumerating and explaining and obsessing over them down to the very last detail, over and over again, whilst these mechanical conditions and necessities of our existence don’t even exist.
