Getting It Wrong

My terrible, terrible greed was going to be the end of me, I realised. My terrible, terrifying  greed. My frightening and appalling greed. My sickening greed. My nauseating greed. My hideous greed. I felt like hiding from it but I couldn’t think of any suitable hiding place – the usual ones wouldn’t do. The usual ones wouldn’t do at all! Enough of my terrible greed anyway. Enough of it! That was only a passing thought. That was only a passing thought and now it’s passed! We are all bound by the same Great Laws aren’t we and I like to think that this brings us together. It doesn’t of course; it doesn’t bring us together at all but I like to think that it does. That’s loneliness I guess. That’s loneliness for you – I’m so lonely that sometimes I feel that I’m not part of reality at all. I feel that I’m on the outside of reality scrabbling to be let in but I’m not being let in. Reality itself is rejecting me, it’s sending me off with a flea in my ear and that is some mean flea I can tell you! When it bites you you know about it, when it bites you you jump three feet in the air like you’re on springs or something. You jump right up there – you’re in the stratosphere, you’re practically in orbit. That is some flea I’m telling you. It’s one hell of a flea. That’s got nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about though. I wanted to talk about how lonely I am. I want to talk about how alienated I feel from reality. I don’t even know what reality is. I can only guess, I can only guess. Whenever I hear people talking about reality I try to join in the conversation, I try to join in with a comment here and there as if to say, “Yeah, I know all about reality. Sure I do…” and yet I don’t. I just plain don’t. I don’t and that’s long and the short of it. I’m on the outside trying to get in. I’m knocking away for all I’m worth on the door but no one is letting me in. No one is answering. Maybe it isn’t a door I’m knocking on, maybe it’s something else. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. Maybe I’m coming at things from entirely the wrong angle. Everyone’s got an angle, so they say, and maybe I’ve got the wrong one. But maybe they don’t say that at all – maybe I’m wrong about that. Maybe I’ve got it a bit jumbled up in my head. Sometimes I think to myself, “What would it be like if you went through your entire life having taken entirely the wrong angle on things? Why would that be like? That would be something else, wouldn’t it? Suppose you pinned everything you’ve got on this supposed angle of yours. You’ve pinned everything on it, you’ve pinned your whole life on this great angle that you’ve supposedly got. That’s exactly how I feel. I never had a clue about anything but I thought I did. I had an angle but I used it too much – I overused it! I burnt the bottom of the pan right out. I burnt the arse right out of it so I did. I boxed myself into a dead end. It’s easily done – I recognise that now of course. It’s all too easily done. I never should have done what I did do but I did it all the same so now I have to live with it. I always do what I would be better off not doing, come to think of it. It’s a trait of mine. That’s called making life difficult for yourself, isn’t it? That’s definitely a trait of mine. People sometimes ask me, “What would you rather – would you rather see the truth and grow as a result, or hide yourself away for your whole life in a cocoon of comforting lies?” and I always answer, “I’d rather the cocoon of comforting lies, if it’s all the same with you…” We are all governed by the same social code, aren’t we, and that means that we’re all pretty much in the same boat. We’ve all got that bond to hold us together, after all…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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