Finding Out The Hard Way

What does it mean to be alive, what does it mean to be a person? These are the questions that I am asking myself. These and many other similar questions. I have my philosopher’s hat on you see. Yes, yes, yes, yes. What does it mean, what does it mean? Time to ask the big questions, right? Yes, yes, yes…. Oh yes indeed! Time to chew on a biscuit, time to suck on a sweetie, time to re-examine old assumptions. I re-examined an old assumption the other day, so I did. I looked at it from all angles. I turned it over and over in my two hands and studied it carefully. Damn it was stupid! I’m quite embarrassed even to talk about it. I’m very embarrassed, in fact. Acutely embarrassed…


What does it all mean, huh? What does it mean, what does it mean? What does it mean to be a grinning dumbass ego? What does it mean to be a grinning dumbass ego talking mindless shyte all day long without ever taking a break, without ever pausing to reflect on the appalling nonsensicality of your verbal output? Who knows, right? Who even has a clue? Who would ever bother to hang around to find out? You’d be a loser if you did that, wouldn’t you? You’d be a laughing stock. You would be a figure of fun – strangers would come from miles around just to mock you! You’d be the talk of the town. Did you hear about the loser who, did you hear about the loser who? That’s what they’ll be saying. Decent normal everyday folk will make a point of ridiculing you. They’ll cross the road specifically to ridicule you…


Did you hear about the loser who, did you hear about the loser who? The mocking, jeering laughter is still ringing in your ears after all this time. It might have been thirty years ago but it still hurts, doesn’t it? It still hurts bad. It still hurts real bad. Boy, oh boy, oh boy, does that sting! You’ll never live it down. You never did live it down. It’s left its mark and no mistake. You’ve got chronic self-esteem now. Every time you hear someone laugh in the street you wince because your first thought is that they’re laughing about you. Low self-esteem is a bitch, right? You lose every argument before it even begins. You are wrong right from the start. You are wrong no matter what. You’re always wrong. Your middle name is wrong. You even open your mouth and you’re wrong! It’s your destiny to be wrong.


Life can be awfully cruel. Did you ever find that? Of course you found that. You don’t need to tell me – I’ve been there just the same as you have! Life can sometimes be very de-validating. I’ve found that out. I’ve found that out the hard way! There’s no other way to find that out really, is there? No other way, no other way. No other way to find out. No other way. I’d like to say that ‘everything is better now’, of course. I’d like to say that it’s all turned out for the best in the end. I would like to be able to say that but it would be a total fucking lie if I did! Sorry to be so blunt about it but there you go. I might as well come right out with it and say it as it is, wouldn’t you agree?







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