Personality Defect

I had pledged allegiance to the malignancy – we all had. Well – some of us had. A few of us had. One or two of us had pledged allegiance to the malignancy. I had anyway. I had my very best hat on and I was feeling jaunty. There was a bit of pep to my step and just a tiny suggestion of a swagger. Nothing too much you understand, nothing too overstated. I didn’t want to go making a right twat of myself now did I? That’s all too easy to do, in my experience. Just a bit of a swagger, just the merest suggestion of it. That’s all. A kind of fluid easy-going confidence in my stride – that’s all. Nothing too outrageously cocky or cheeky, that wouldn’t be my style at all…


Mind you I was feeling rather pleased with myself. ‘I’m doing OK,’ I was saying to myself, ‘I’m making out. I’m not doing too badly, all things considered. Not when you consider all the difficulties that I’ve had to contend with…’ One of which is probably my personality, now that I come to think of it! That’s not been easy for me over the years. I’d say I deserve some respect at least for coping as well as I have done. Not that I have ‘coped’, as such. Not exactly coped. Definitely not well anyway. Not exactly well. Not well as such, but certainly a lot better than I could have done. I definitely haven’t had it easy really; not when you consider that I’ve had to deal with myself every step of the way I haven’t.


I was going to wax a bit philosophical at this stage and ask why is it that we all have to make life so difficult for ourselves, but I’m having second thoughts about that. I can’t help wondering if I might be assuming a bit too much there – perhaps most people don’t make life extremely difficult for themselves. Probably they don’t, come to think of it. Why would they, after all? Now that I come to think of it, I can’t see why anyone would do this actually. It doesn’t really make a lot of sense, does it? There are enough other people out there trying to screw you over in this world without joining in yourself! I’m trying to be funny there but it’s not really coming off very well.


So what’s wrong with your personality anyway, you might ask, getting curious about this particular point. Why exactly is it such a liability? Having brought the topic up I don’t feel very much inclined to pursue the matter any further however. I was only trying to be funny anyway, and I just didn’t quite pull it off. The joke fell flat, so what can you do? The joke fell flat but never mind. Let’s just move on. I suppose one thing that I’ve come to realise recently is that things can change very quickly. Things can change all too quickly actually; they can change in a flash, before you even know what’s happening. That’s very disconcerting when that happens – it’s a very disconcerting type of thing. It’s undermining too – hugely undermining. One minute you could be walking about, feeling like the bee’s knees, with a bit of pep in your step, the slightest suggestion of a swagger in your stride perhaps, and then the next minute you feel the frightening hollowness of it all.


It’s that moment that always gets me. That point in time which I like to call ‘the turning point moment’. Do you know the moment that I’m speaking of? It’s that moment when your ebullient, seemingly inexhaustible good humour starts to blister and peel off like so much cheap paint on some fairground ride. Like cheap garish red paint on a fairground ride when the season’s over and the winter rains are coming in. And the season wasn’t that long either – possibly no more than a few hours long. It’s over almost before it begins, isn’t it? It’s over almost before it even begins. And what’s under that cheap fairground paint, you might ask? That’s an easy question to answer, at any rate. The answer is staring you in the face – what’s under that paint is the truth and the truth is a bit of a let-down, when all is said and done. The truth is a damn sight more ‘down at heel’ than the jolly old illusion, at any rate…







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