People say that I am arrogant, conceited and obnoxious but what would they know? What would they know? I spit as I say this. I spit contemptuously upon the ground. What would they know? What would they know?
“Speak to me not of Satan and his works!” I roar, full of the unreasoning anger that is always within me. This ever-present anger defines me; it makes me what I am, it makes me to be this person that I did not ever wish to be.
I threw a party but nobody came. Only the unclean spirits came, only the unwholesome creatures came – the creatures that dwell in the Shadow Realms. I threw a party but only the deteriorated personality husks turned up. They chatter emptily and incessantly, as is their way. I confess to hating them them. I hate them because they remind me of the unhappy fate that awaits me…
I never wanted to be this way you know. It was never ever my intention to turn out like this. I am filled with horror and self-loathing every time I allow myself to contemplate what I have become. It was never meant to be like this, I say to myself. It was never meant to be like this.
I threw a party but nobody came. Nobody came. Only the unclean spirits; only the unclean half-creatures that come from the World of Shadow. I shouldn’t have let things slip this far, I realised. I never should have let things go this far. The only thing left to me now is regret. The only thing left to me now is regret and endless self-recrimination…
Sometimes I will look around me and wonder how it came to this. Most times I look around me and wonder how it came to this. I’m defined by my anger, defined by my bitterness, defined by my self-loathing, and what does that say about me? I am at odds with life itself and I know it. I have got things wrong in such a big way that there will never be any rectifying of the situation. Some things can’t be fixed.
The party is picking up now, I notice. The unclean spirits are making merry. They’re making as merry as they can, anyway! Given the limitations of their situation. Given the limitations of their situation. We all have to work within the limitations of our situation, don’t we? The party is gathering momentum and I feel myself starting to relax somewhat. Maybe things aren’t quite as bad as I had thought, I say to myself.
There’s a party going on in my mind but I haven’t been invited. Only the unclean spirits have been invited. They invited themselves. They always invite themselves. The party is in full swing now. The unclean spirits are partying as if there’s no tomorrow! The unclean spirits always party as if there’s no tomorrow. We all know what tomorrow is going to bring after all and who wants to think about that?
