Refuting The Critics

There was a roaring in my ears. It was the tigers of course. It was the tigers of wrath, roaring like great fearsome demons in my ears. The first thing was that I had been viciously kicked in the head by the horses of instruction and then the next thing was the tigers. As usual it was the tigers but when I opened my eyes the tigers had gone. I still had a lump on my head from the vicious unprovoked attack by the horses however. I have proven in my writings that all those people who have said that my ideas are wrong are themselves wrong. I have irrefutably shown that this is not the case but still they heckle and harass me. They harass me in my dreams and I have no protection. Folk around here are very helpful. ‘If you come to a fork in the road take it’ a man told me, with a twinkle in his eye and gravy strains on his shirt. I felled him with a single blow, the same way a logger would fell a tree. I felled him without a word and then continued on my journey. He went down and stayed down and that was the end of that. I was on the road to nowhere as usual. ‘If you come to a bend in the road take it’ the man told me again. He was heckling me in my dreams. He had gravy in his eye and a twinkle in his beard. I went to give him a punch but overreached myself and fell headfirst into the ditch. There was no one there anyway – my mind was playing tricks on me. My mind was always playing tricks on me. There was something on the tip of my tongue that I wanted to say but I couldn’t remember what it was. I knew that something was supposed to be happening but I didn’t know what. It was on the tip of my tongue. My head was sore and my legs were tired but I kept on walking all the same. My knuckles were red and raw. The constant rain was getting me down and I had no choice but to continue on my way. I was on the road to nowhere, as usual. ‘If you come to a fork in the road take it’ the man said unhelpfully, before hitting me viciously across the side of the head with a fence post. Folk around here were downright unhelpful, I complained bitterly to myself. They’ll put you wrong as soon as look at you. Something told me that they didn’t like strangers around here and I was as strange they come! I had refuted my critics in my latest paper but that didn’t stop them following me down the road jeering and calling out insults from a safe distance. The world wasn’t ready for my ideas, I realised – I was ahead of my time, obviously. I’d fallen asleep for too long I decided. I’d fallen asleep for too long and now I was Rip van Twinkle! I had dried porridge in my beard and woodlice in my underpants. I’d been asleep most of my life. I’d fallen into a long doze. I had been sleeping at the wheel. I had conclusively proved that all of the people who’d said that my ideas were wrong were themselves mistaken. I’d refuted my critics once and for all. I had a lump on the side of my head the size of a chicken egg where one of my critics had tried to brain me with a fence post. I would refute him too in due course I promised myself – I would refute him too…







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