I keep on copying myself. First I see myself, and then I copy myself… This is something that I’ve noticed only very recently but now that I have spotted it, I notice it all the time. I notice it all the time and this is highly disconcerting, to say the least. I imagine it would disconcert you too, if you noticed it! I’m a ‘self-copier’, I realise, and I’m afraid that there’s no getting away from the awareness that this is not a good thing! I’m a ‘self-mimicker’ and there’s no getting away from the awareness that this is a very bad thing…

No getting away, no getting away – there’s never really any ‘getting away’, is there? If only there was, if only there was. How I would love to be getting away – I can’t even begin to imagine how good that would feel. Oh happy day! It would be better than winning the lotto. So much better, in fact. There’s no comparison. ‘Winning the lotto’ is a fantasy for those who haven’t yet spotted what their problem is, wouldn’t you agree? Haven’t yet spotted, haven’t yet spotted. They haven’t spotted it yet. ‘Oh lucky you’, I think to myself  – ‘you haven’t yet spotted your problem yet. You haven’t yet spotted it (like I have) and I envy you that. I envy you your ignorance…

What does it mean when you keep on copying yourself? What does it mean? I know very well what it means of course but I’m just thinking out loud. I’m thinking out loud by writing it down. I’m spelling it out for myself for all the world as if I was a baby that needs to be spoon-fed. One spoon at a time. Do you get it yet, do you get it yet, I ask myself. I get it only too well however. I have understood my predicament very clearly and the problem is that I can’t get away from understanding it! If I could jump on a bus I would do but no bus is going to get me out of this mess. Some things can’t be fixed, as I’m sure you’d agree. Some things can’t be fixed and this is one of them.

An impulse arises within me and straightaway I falsify it. As quick as a flash I falsify it and there’s no way I can help myself in doing so. I’m powerless to help myself. I do it despite myself. All I can do is watch myself doing it but that doesn’t help me any. I can’t help watching myself doing it but you think this makes me feel any better? An impulse arises within me – a true impulse, a genuine impulse, and straightaway I second-guess it. I see where it’s going (or rather I think I see where it’s going) then I deliberately do it. I take charge of what’s going on and make it happen the way I think it ought to be happening, and this isn’t the same thing at all. It’s a long, long way from being the same thing. There’s nothing further away from it in fact; they couldn’t be anything further away from it. What could be further away from truth than falsehood? Can you think of anything that could be further away?

I know that you can’t, you see. I know that you can’t and that’s it in a nutshell. That’s the problem right there. You’re false to yourself you see; you are your own phoney, you are your own counterfeit. You’re an imposter – you’ve got the syndrome… That’s what Satan does, you know. That’s Satan’s trick – isn’t that what St Augustine said, that Satan is the ape of God?  He straightaway copies everything God does you see, only he does this in a bad way. He makes bad copies, poor copies, degraded copies. What else would you expect, after all? What else would you expect of Satan? I mean, you know he’s going to do a shit job, right? It’s a point of honour with him – that’s where Satan’s integrity lies you see – in making sure that he always does a botched job… Never give a sucker an even break, right?

Satan is taking the piss you see. He is taking the piss big-time. What else would you expect – Satan is mocking God’s creation. That’s what Satan does, God’s sake. That’s his ‘thing’. Do you think God blames Satan for taking the piss? Do you think God blames Satan mocking his creation? Of course he doesn’t – you or I might be offended if someone followed us around mocking us mercilessly wherever we go, but not God! God knows that Satan is only doing his job and He expects nothing less of him. Any theologist could tell you that! Anyway, the point is that the thinking mind is Satan. The thinking mind is the Deceiver. The thinking mind is taking the piss out of reality. The thinking mind is mocking reality and it does this every time! Satan is in me, you see – that’s what I have seen. he’s in me. Satan is in me, and I can’t help colluding with him in everything I do. I can’t help myself and mocking creation – and it’s what I guess you could call an ‘unholy compulsion’. I have an unholy compulsion to collude with Satan and I can’t help from knowing that this isn’t really a good thing…