How To Be A Human Being

I have a few handy tips on ‘how to be human being’ that I fully intend to gather together in a kind of handbook one day. Maybe I’ll get it published! It’s a just a thing that I have in my head. A compendium of a few little tricks that have served me well in the past, you might say. A few key strategies.


I’m happy enough to share these little tricks of mine – who knows, they might be of great help to some poor soul one day! Who knows, who knows… Life can be a very daunting thing – what we have to do about it, what are we supposed to say about it? What should our opinions on it be? This is a very basic thing as I have no doubt that you can appreciate – here I am, scratching my head, paralyzed by my own thoughts, wondering what on earth the next step is to be. How to proceed, how to play it, how to figure it out? When it comes down to it we just don’t know what the next step should be and this is the most paralysing thing on earth! It’s what philosophers call ‘the existential challenge’.


So we all know this, we’ve all been there, and it is therefore a very worthwhile and important thing to be considering some sort of solution to this most unfortunate dilemma. What should we do when we don’t know what to do? Well, the solution is actually very simple – all you need to do is to expose yourself in a public place (psychologically, that is, not physically!) so that you can be successfully inoculated (or ‘infected’ might be the better word!) with all the various toxic mind-memes that are currently in circulation. When these voracious little psychic viruses have taken hold they will straightaway give rise to addictions and it is via these addictions that the mind-memes (or psychic viruses) will control our behaviour. This is the way of the world of course, and there’s no point in fighting against it! Facts have to be faced and this is a fact like any other.


I know very well that people will be scratching their heads at this stage and wondering how on earth this is supposed to help anyone. It’s probably not quite what you were expecting; you were probably expecting a list of instructions, which is of course the usual way. People love instructions. The point is however that addiction provides us with the very best motivation there is – there’s no such thing as ‘philosophical paralysis’ when an addiction has got you well and truly in its grip, and that’s a testable fact! People do the most extraordinary things as a result of addiction; the most remarkable things can be achieved. Heaven and earth can be moved. And the beauty of it is, as I’ve already pointed out, that no philosophising is required – none at all! You get up in the morning and you just have to obey that old addiction; there’s no ‘thinking about the big questions’ or anything like that – there’s just ‘getting on with it’. You do what you have to do and you don’t whinge about it…


That’s what I admire about the life of an out-and-out addict – everything is so marvellously black-and-white. There are only two things – either you score your fix or you don’t. Nothing else means a damn to you; no other outcome is of any significance whatsoever. There’s no place for ‘hand-waving’, there’s no ‘yes but…’, there’s no bamboozling people with fancy talk or confusing them with fine phrases – either you get the hit you need or you don’t. If I send you to the shop to get rich tea biscuits and you come back with digestives or custard creams then that’s just not going to cut it! If you don’t come back with the right gear then you just have to go back and try again. I know what I’m talking about here – you can trust me on that. I really do know what I’m talking about here. There’s no confusion in the mind of a junkie when he runs out of the old brown powder, I can tell you; there’s no ‘oh I wonder what I’m going to do today?’ He knows exactly what he’s going to be today doing today – searching for some bloody skag, that’s what he’s going to be doing today! It’s as simple as that.


As I say, you can trust me on that – that’s what it’s like, no matter what these over-educated politically-correct folk might be telling you. They have their heads right up their own arses, as everyone knows. Anyway, I’m going off target here, it’s mind-memes I’m talking about here, not skag. Mind-memes are a million times worse, they are a million times more insidious than any street drug. Those dirty old psychic viruses can get a person to do anything, I’m telling you! You wouldn’t believe what they can get people to do… There’s no point in pussyfooting around here – you might as well call a spade a spade and be done with it. Take a look around you – why do you think everyone you see is running around doing this and doing that? What do you think all this frenetic socialized activity is about? What you think the economy is about? It’s all about the creating and the servicing of addictions, that’s what it’s about. You know that as well as I do, of course. We all know that, for God’s sake. Society is all about needs, and the servicing of needs..


So that’s it really. If you want to be part of it all, if you want to fit in like a good girl or a good boy, then you know what you have to do – get yourself well and truly infected with those dirty old mind-memes! That is how to be a socially-adapted human being, that is how to fit into the big happy family that is this society of ours. I can tell you one thing that’s for sure anyway; if you aren’t using the same operating system as everyone else in this world then you’re not going to get very far. There’s great companionship in shared addiction, after all. We’re all singing from the same hymn sheet in this case; everyone knows that everyone else is talking about. We’re all like peas in a pod, for God’s sake. But just see what happens to you if you’re not a slave to these dirty old mind-memes! You’re on your own then and no mistake; all of a sudden you haven’t any mates. It’s no fun is it, being a misfit, being an outcast, being a bit of a weirdo? Everyone looks at you funny. They will always suspect the worst of you then, won’t they? If you’re strange then you must be bad, isn’t that it? You must be a ‘wrong-un’. Perhaps you’re a sex pervert or something. Maybe you’re on drugs – I don’t know. So if you want to fit in you know what you have to do – just expose yourself that vulnerable little brain of yours to some good old-fashioned viral programming! The bottom line is that if you want to get on in the world then you need to catch the same disease that everyone else has!








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