Pass On The Virus

I was trying to pass on the virus. I’m always trying to pass on the virus – it’s the only thing I know how to do! I don’t think I could do anything else even if I tried. Not that I ever would try not passing on the virus of course. Passing on the virus is my raison d’être, after all! It’s who I am.


I drive around in a little white van with Tastee Tastee Chicken Bites written in big letters on the side and a funny cartoon picture of a laughing chicken. That’s how I spread the virus you see. Through the universal medium of fast food. I’m only joking of course, that’s just my sense of humour coming out there. I do have a sense of humour, you know! It’s just that not everyone gets it. Well no one gets it actually, but what the hell. What the hell, what the hell. What the hell, what the hell. What the hell, what the hell.


As I go about my daily business I sing a little song to myself – ‘pass on the virus, pass on the virus, pass on the virus,’ I sing. I call it the virus song. Although now that I come to think about it it’s not so much a song as a strident mechanical refrain, what you could call a kind of reiterative command sequence. ‘Pass on the virus, pass on the virus, pass on the virus’, I intone humourlessly as I go about my business. Sometimes when things aren’t going well a note of judgement and condemnation creeps in and then I chant ‘pass on the virus you useless fucking bastard, pass on the virus you useless fucking bastard…’ I get quite unpleasant at times like this. I turn negative.


The virus is me of course. I am the virus so naturally I don’t know how to do anything else apart from promoting myself at every available opportunity. What else would you expect me to do? The virus is in me, driving me onwards, and the virus is also my identity. It’s who I am. I have to imprint my opinions on everyone I meet otherwise I feel bad, otherwise I feel like a failure. ‘Look at that loser’, everyone will say then, ‘he’s failing to imprint his opinions on everyone he meets. He’s failing to get his point across. He’s not a trendsetter. He is a waste of space. No one likes him. No one even listens to him’


When this happens it is very easy to turn against oneself and join in with all the criticism and condemnation that you imagine is being leveled at you. The mantra changes, as always. The self-affirming, self-promoting mantra flips over and becomes negative. It happens so easily, it happens at the drop of a hat. The viral energy then rebounds on itself and become self-destructive. You find yourself berating  yourself constantly, day and night – ‘you’re such a pathetic loser,’ you tell yourself, ‘you are failing to promote yourself in the true viral fashion. You are a failure.’ You become envious of all the successful viruses then. ‘Oh if only I could be like them,’ you say. You hate them. You hate the succesful viruses. You hate yourself more though…





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