The Determinate Reality

The Determinate Reality is so very determinate, isn’t it? It’s so determinate, so determinate, so determinate… It determines everything really, doesn’t it? It determines every last little thing and that’s why they call it ‘the Determinate Reality’. Some things are so very obvious aren’t they, when you actually come out with them? When you actually come right out and say it. It may not have been so obvious beforehand of course; it may not have been so obvious that all. For example, for many years I’ve blamed everything that went wrong in my life on the dirty rotten bastards who I knew were out there somewhere, messing me about with for their amusement. Whatever happened, it was always the fault of some dirty rotten bastard somewhere! You know that it was and you give out yards about them. You’d swear and curse about them being such dirty rotten bastards and you’d put a real feeling into it! I’m sure you know what I mean. I have no doubt that you know what I mean. It’s one of those pleasures in life, like smoking roll-ups. That’s one example that comes to my mind anyway, although I’m sure there are others if only I could think of them. You know how good the first rollie of the day is – it’s the feeling of looking forward to it as much as anything of course. The exquisite sense of anticipation. Getting out the pouch of old Holborn and rolling a nice fat scraggly one to have with your cup of tea. That’s such a pleasure – your whole body seems to feel the hit. It’s almost like every cell in your body is luxuriating in it. I can feel it now as a talk about it and it’s 15 years since I gave up smoking. You’d swear I was William Burroughs talking about heroin, wouldn’t you? Anyway, my point is that cursing the dirty rotten bastards whose fault everything was was every bit as enjoyable as that! It’s not like I think you don’t know that already or anything; I’m just saying what comes into my head. I’m trying to explain myself. So anyway that was all fine until one day I realised that this was all just me projecting my negativity onto the world and that actually the dirty rotten bastard was me. The ‘dirty rotten bastard’ had been me all along and all the time (not knowing the truth) I had been deriving enormous, deeply-satisfying pleasure from cursing them at every available opportunity. Not to put too fine a point on it, I had spent pretty much most of my entire adult life giving out hell to the dirty bastards who were  – in my eyes – constantly fucking everything up, only to discover – all of a sudden, without any warning – that it had been me all along. The bastard was me. Can you imagine what a complete and utter headfuck that must have been for me? Can you imagine how bad it made me feel? It’s not that I’m fishing for sympathy or that I want to make out I’ve had a rough deal or anything like that. I know I had it coming to me. I know that all too well. I suppose what I want is just for someone to understand, for someone just to get what I’m actually saying here. When I mean is, I think that I want someone to understand just how utterly absolutely gutted and demoralized I felt when I had that insight. I don’t even have words for how shit I felt right then. And there is another part of me  – of course  – that doesn’t believe that anyone ever can understand how bad I felt…

 

 

 

 

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