I was partaking in the filth. Partaking in the filth, partaking in the filth, partaking in the filth. Luxuriating in the filth, rejoicing in the filth, celebrating the filth. I mean, that’s what we’re supposed to be doing, right? Tell me that this isn’t what we’re supposed to be doing! I just want to be a good citizen, a good person, a good member of society, a good whatever. A good whatever it is that I’m supposed to be! The impulse is powerful within me and I just want to obey. i want to obey it so that everything will be okay and the bad thing won’t happen. ‘Make everything be okay, make everything be okay, make everything be okay’, I cry out. My desperate entreaty to the universe. My heartfelt plea to the universe. ‘Make the bad thing not happen, make the bad thing not happen, make the bad thing not happen’, I cry out plaintively. Of course I don’t know what the bad thing is. I haven’t the remotest idea what it is – I just know that it’s bad. I just want for it not to happen. Everyone knows that the bad thing is bad, everyone wants for it not to happen. Everyone wants for the bad thing not to happen because that’s the way it is with bad things. That’s the way it always is with bad things. Mind you, I say that ‘I just want to obey the impulse so that everything will be okay’ but at the same time as saying this I know that it isn’t true. I don’t want to obey the impulse. I hate the impulse! The impulse makes shit of me every day. It’s an abuser impulse. It’s the pits, it’s the devil. It’s the thing that ends up making you despise yourself every day of your life. I don’t want to obey the impulse but the impulse makes me want to obey it. It makes me pretend to myself that I want to obey it and then it makes me believe the lie. Or is it me that makes me believe the lie? I get confused when I think about it. I don’t trust my own thoughts. The impulse distorts and dirties everything, you see – it gets right into you, it worms its way right into you and it creates a false version of yourself. It creates a dirty copy of you and that dirty copy lives your life for you.