Do you know that thing where you have escaped the Abuse World but you know nonetheless that you have to go back? You know you have to go back because you belong there – you have always belonged there. It’s the only place that ever going to be right for you. The only place, the only place. What were you thinking when you thought that you could be somewhere else, what were you thinking when you thought that you could have some other life, that you deserved some other life? I see from your face that you do know what I’m talking about – I see from your face that you know very well. I need say no more, I need say no more. I realise that I am you, I realise that you are me. I realise that I’m looking in the mirror. It’s as if I’m your twin! You were dealt the same hand of cards as me, the same desperately bad hand… You know that feeling where you have escaped from the Abuse World and want to go back there, you know it only too well. You know it as well as anyone can ever know anything…
The tremendous compulsion to go back. The aching loneliness. The immense, paralysing fear. The Abuse World actually looks so very comforting – do you know that? So, so comforting. You want to go back so badly. So badly. Of course you know what I’m talking about. You know it only too well – you know that feeling as well as anyone could ever know anything. As well as anyone could ever know anything. It’s a type of homesickness really, isn’t it? You’re homesick for the Abuse World, you want so badly to go back there. To the abuse you know and understand. To the abuse that defines you.
It’s the weak part of you that wants to go back of course. The weak side of you that can’t stand on its own two feet. The dependent side, the addicted side, the undeveloped side, the side of you that never grew up. It never got a chance to grow up, in all fairness. It never got a chance, it never got a chance. You were kept like that – you were kept like that on purpose. Some are groomed for success and some are groomed for abuse, isn’t that it? Isn’t that the way? Some are groomed for success and some are groomed not just to put up with abuse, but to need it. Isn’t that true? Isn’t that the way?
It’s the weak side of you, the dependent side of you, the addicted side of you, and to be quite honest that’s the only side of you there is! The only side there is, the only side there is. That’s not a ‘side’, that’s the whole of you. It’s the whole of me, anyway! I don’t know of any other side of me, I don’t know of any other way to be. I’m frightened of any other way to be – I’m frighten more than I can say! So frightened, so very frightened. I’m so weak and dependent you see! I don’t know of any other way to be.
The Abuse World is my own mind of course. The Abuse World is my own mind. My own rotten spiteful old mind. My own dirty lousy stinking abusive old mind. It’s taught me everything I know – did I ever tell you that? My dirty old abuser mind. It’s taught me everything I know, and then some! It’s a poison factory, it’s the Abode of Evil. It’s a dank and unwholesome place at the best of times and now is not the best of times. Now is very far from the best of times! You would be embarrassed to bring your friends here. You be mortified to bring your friends here! Not that you have any friends of course. But if you did, but if you did…
