This is the true story of a demon who got tired of being a demon and became a human being instead. The demon’s name was, variously, Demonhead, Screwhead, Scabhead, Skudgehead, Demonspore, Crudhead, Scrubhead, Hotmonkey, The Homonculoid, Scrungeface, Fuckface, Bollockbrain, The Scutterer, The Scumsucker, The Puppybubbler, The Skudger, Molluscboy, Slimehead, The Guzzler, Weaselboy, Mangeface, Pusfeatures, Tombworm, Maggotbrain, Pus-head, Munculus and Skunkulus. He had lots of names. Tiring of these names one day he became Steve instead. He became me. Demons have lots of names you see – it’s a kind of a thing with them. They never have just the one. They pick up names as they go along. They pick them up like you or I would pick up bad habits! They pick them up like badges. I was going to say ‘they pick them up like badges of honour’ but that would be wrong – there is no honour involved, needless to say. But I gave all of that up and so now I’m just plain ‘Steve’! Purely and simply ‘Steve’. ‘Steve’ with no frills on. I have turned my back on all that demon stuff. My name is Stephen and that’s nice and simple. No frills, as I have just said. No fancy stuff. I derive a surprising amount of satisfaction from that fact! If I were to knock on someone’s door and they were to enquire ‘Who’s there?’ then I would then straightaway reply ‘Steve’. Steve’s here. It’s me, Steve. It’s Steve, let me in… It’s me  – Steve – just open the door… Of course that never actually happens. That never actually happens because I never actually visit anyone but you take my point, I’m sure. You see where I’m coming from. You get the drift. I don’t get on very well with people, on the whole, but I still get to socialise though. Every now and again. Some of my old demon acquaintances drop in from time to time and stay for a chat. ‘What’s your favourite negative emotion to feed on?’ They might ask me, conversationally. ‘Envy, self-hatred, despair, anger, greed, frustration, bitterness, lust, vengefulness, arrogance, jealousy, anxiety, or resentment?’ I usually tell them I’m a vegan, just as a way to get them off my back. I don’t want to go down that road. I’m actually not a vegan though really. Far from it. I eat a lot of fast food and I’m particularly keen on kebabs. I must say I’m very keen on kebabs! I’m never happier than when I’ve got my face stuck in a large lamb doner. Life’s a funny thing old thing really isn’t it?





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