Who am I and how did I lose myself, I asked. Who am I and what had I let myself become, I asked myself. Angrily, I grabbed the remote off the table and changed the channel. I’d been watching myself on TV, watching the details of my own life unfolding on the screen. As if it wasn’t me at all, as if it were someone else. I was angry and I didn’t know why. I was eaten up by anger and frustration but I didn’t know what the problem was. I was angry and defeated but I didn’t know where it was all coming from. Nothing made sense any more but the truth was that it never did.
I was being run by the system as a bogus shell corporation but then the shit hit the fan. Details had been leaked and now everybody knew about me. You could watch them all talking about me on TV. The special ombudsman had been appointed; a report had been commissioned. There were going to go public about it because it had become too big. It had become the biggest thing in the world and now everyone was talking about it. It had all been a front for the system but now the shit was going to hit the fan. The story had got too big and it had to break. Angrily, I seized the remote from the table and tried to change the channel. I was angry and confused and I didn’t know what I was doing anymore.
I existed as a kind of made-up homunculus in my own imagination. I was my own fantasy. I was trying to meet the necessary standards but now the word had gone out and everyone knew what had happened. The cat had gotten too big for the bag and then someone had said something. I had existed as a homunculus in my own imagination but I never knew it – I thought it really was me. I thought everything was normal. I thought I had a handle on things and that standards were being met. I never knew that it was all a front for the system but by then it was too late. The news had got out and now it was on all the channels.
People had gone out in the streets to talk about it. It had become a very big issue and something had to be done. The proper authorities had to be notified. When things got this big there was nothing anyone could do about it. Even the dogs in the street knew. They knew that things had gone too far. The secret had gotten out and the shit was about to hit the fan. What had I let myself become, I asked myself? Was I in my own fantasy? Had I taken my eye off the ball? Had there been developments when I hadn’t been looking? Had things gone too far? I felt angry but I didn’t know why. Something had happened, but I didn’t know what it was.