My Life Was Over In A Flash

My life was over in a flash. I never saw it go – my mind was elsewhere the time. I was otherwise engaged. Although not with anything good, I might add. Not with anything worthwhile. Not with anything that would leave you with a good feeling. The feeling that I’m left with now is a profoundly bad one, to say the least. I am left with a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth, to put it mildly! My life seems to be all over in a flash and I’m left wondering just what the hell happened. That’s what happens when you take your eye off the ball, I hear you say. That’s what happens. That’s what happens when you let life catch you snoozing. That’s what happens. That’s what happens. Wagging your finger. No one to blame but yourself. No one to blame but yourself. My mind was elsewhere the time, you see. I was otherwise engaged. I don’t know what happened – I never saw it coming. One minute I was there, looking at my life as it lay ahead of me – if it is possible to do such a thing – and then the next moment I’m sitting here in Insomnia  in Eyre Square Shopping Centre, every last bit of energy leached right out of me. Staring dully into space, thinking to myself that my life is over, and I never saw it go. And not just ‘thinking’ it either – actually realising it. Actually knowing it on a deep intuitive level. It’s like someone just punched me in the gut. What was I thinking? What was I doing? Where was my head at? What the hell just happened there? The way I’m saying it it sounds as if there is some vigorous type of mental activity going on for me but that isn’t the case. It’s more of a feeling that I’m trying to describe here, not a collection of clearly articulated thoughts. It’s more of a dull aching mass of feelings, slowly rising to the surface as I sit here sipping my chai latte. Which was a mistake. I never should have ordered it because I’m really not enjoying it. I’m trying to remember the last time I felt like actually knew what was going on. The last time I actually had my finger on the pulse. Was there ever such a time? I’m trying to remember what I was doing before I took my eye off the ball, trying to reconnect with that earlier self of mine. However many years ago. However many decades ago. And I can’t. I can’t reconnect. I can’t remember what I was doing, or what it felt like to be me then. There’s nothing there. I’m fishing about in the dark – I’m trying to reconnect with an earlier self that just doesn’t seem to be there! Quite possibly there never was a time ‘just before I took my eye off the ball’! Quite possibly that time never existed. As far as I can tell – sitting here right now – there never was such a time. I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse to be honest! That’s a laugh in itself is in it? ‘To be honest’! I always say that. I always say it, but it doesn’t really mean anything. I wouldn’t know how to be ‘honest’ if I tried…

 

 

 

 

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