Robbing Peter

I was robbing Peter to pay Paul and then I thought ‘fuck that, I’ll just rob Peter and keep it at that. I’ll just rob Peter and be done with it – Paul can go and fuck himself.’ I was full of fantasies. I’ve noticed that in myself – I’m full of fantasies and of late they have become increasingly infantile. Sometimes it’s not just that they’re infantile, by which I mean revolving entirely around the gratification of all my wishes, or what you could call ‘desire-fulfilment scenarios’, but rather that they have become distinctly pathological in nature. ‘Pathological’ meaning ‘unhealthy’ of course. In one of my fantasies I was walking down the street by a block of offices, and as I pass by it I find myself imagining how great it would be if this entire hi-tech block of offices somehow belonged to me and was entirely ‘at my disposal’, so to speak. I would be there in some plush office with a great big desk in front of me and lots and lots of fancy chairs and all the rest of it and I’d also have dozens of staff working there to do whatever I wanted them to do and they’d all be highly motivated and efficient and smartly dressed just the way business-type people are and they’d all be there with all of their skills to put at my disposal to do anything I wanted them to do the whole place with all those officers and support staff will be there to help me do my special stuff the stuff that only I know about the cool stuff that only I am able to do and have the vision to think of doing in the first place. And this was making me feel pretty great of course – the thought of having this whole huge fancy-looking tower block full of state-of-the-art offices and equipment all there to facilitate me doing my cool stuff and all of the highly trained office staff sitting around just waiting for me to tell them what I wanted them to do was really thrilling for me and even though it’s embarrassing to have to admit it – I was getting off on it in a big way. I was running through it all in my mind working out all the details, imagining what it would be like, and how great it would be. I was getting completely lost in the fantasy. I had it all worked out in my head, what it would be like, how amazing it would be, how great it would be to have that kind of sophisticated technical backup available for me to do my special stuff that only I could do and then I realised, all of a sudden, that I didn’t actually have any ‘special stuff’ that I could do. I realized that actually in reality I didn’t have any special cool stuff, or any stuff at all for that matter. I realised in other words that I’d be just sitting there my big desk in my fancy chair in my fancy office not having a clue as to what I was supposed to be doing. I’d just be sitting there like the world’s biggest knob end and everyone would be looking at me thinking to themselves what a laughable tosser I was and then of course as I thought this my fantasy just sort of caved in on me. It collapsed around my ears leaving me standing there on the street like a complete twat feeling totally and utterly humiliated.







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