There’s Nothing Worse

There’s nothing worse than being the robotic simulation of yourself, if you know what I mean. Although there’s no particular reason why you should know what I mean, but never mind. It doesn’t matter. Perhaps you can bear with me anyway. I can’t even begin to explain how bad this is – I get tied up in knots when I try to do so. You’re trying to mean what you already do mean but somehow you can’t help knowing that you don’t actually mean it at all. You don’t mean anything you say anymore, but you can’t let yourself know that. That would be such a terrible thing to know so you must make sure that you never do. You must never let yourself know it even though you can’t really help it either. What does it mean when you see that you don’t mean anything you say? What exactly does a thing like that mean?

 

You know that rotten feeling when you’re committed to a lie but there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re in too deep. Everyone knows that feeling. You’re trapped in it and the lies keep on sewing out of you they’re getting thicker and thicker and you’re getting deeper and deeper into it with every second that passes. We all know that feeling don’t we? Damn right we do. The lies are coming and coming and there’s no stopping them and your whole life’s turning into one great big dirty lie and you’re sickened to the core by it you’re nauseated and repelled by yourself but you know that there’s no way that you’re ever going to be able to stop. No how no way. You can’t stop no matter what. Well what I’m talking about is like that only worse. A lot worse…

 

Well it’s kind of worse. It’s kind of worse but kind of the same thing too though. When you’re the robotic simulation of yourself you don’t actually mean anything you say you mean even though you will of course do your very best to convince yourself (and others) that you do mean it. That’s why we’re always so intense, always so bloody serious and boring – because we don’t mean a word that we say and deep-down we know it. That’s the world we live in; that’s the bloody old ‘adult world’ that we’re stuck in. Although it ought to be called the ‘robot world’ really because that’s what we are – in the robot world we’re all the robots of ourselves and none of us mean what we say. We kind of know it too but we’ve made an art-form out of never ever acknowledging this fact. Very obviously, we simply can’t afford to acknowledge the fact that none of us mean a word that we say. The robot world depends on our continued insincerity.

 

I’m wandering a bit off the point here. I’m failing to make my point correctly. The point is, you see, that it’s such a terrible terrible thing to see about yourself that you don’t actually mean a damn thing you say. Perhaps it would be fair enough to say that we don’t have the imagination to truly appreciate what this awareness is like. I know because I have had it. I have had the experience of realizing that I am the robot of myself. Nothing about you is true, nothing about you is genuine. I can’t express the horror of that moment. I can’t articulate it. The old robot has got nothing going for it you see. Absolutely nothing. Not a damn thing. The only way being the robot simulation of yourself is in any way OK is when you don’t know that that is who you are and this is why we do our damnedest to make sure that we never become aware of the truth. We call it ‘being depressed’ when this happens and we say that it’s ‘an illness’. But it isn’t an illness – it’s just us becoming aware (despite our best efforts not to) that we’re the robotic simulations of ourselves…

 

 

 

 

 

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