Deep Space Psychosis

This morning I was visited by the thing that I dread and despise the most – one of those wretched accursed sex-hallucinations. Of the all strange visions and fantasies that I have been afflicted with recently this is undoubtedly the worst. How can I describe it? It came as usual, with no warning. One moment I’m attending to my regular duties, the next I have lost touch with reality entirely…

 

 

As I say, it always come in the same way: the flight deck explodes silently in front of my eyes into fractured prisms of coloured light, which then fragment further, and finally dissolve into a grey featureless mist. The mist clears a bit and as it clears I start to notice around me the vague outlines of couples heaving and writhing on the floor. They are in the throes of sexual passion, oblivious to all else. They don’t see me – I am as it were looking through a one-way mirror…

 

 

Slowly the shapes become solid, defined. I feel mesmerized by the rhythmic motion all around me. The whole landscape is rising and falling, swaying to and fro, undulating and rippling. I can see mouths uttering soft cries of ecstasy, but I hear nothing. I want to look away but I can’t. I don’t seem to have a body.

 

 

I feel affected. I wish that I could leave but I am too entranced, too hypnotized by the slow motion coupling of all those heedless anonymous bodies in this strange ethereal orgy. I am drawn to them – I have no will of my own at this point. I am being helplessly pulled towards these anonymous copulating bodies, like a moth to a flame.

 

 

There is an overwhelming attraction at work on me. I want to tear myself away but I am too far gone already. Somewhere there is a warm light, a soft glow that I am drifting towards. It looks good to me. It looks comforting. I want to get closer and closer – I want to surrender everything to this soft, comforting light. It is the attractive light of mundane existence, I think, but this thought makes no sense to me.

 

 

Warm ecstatic oblivion bubbles up from deep inside me. It is tremendous. It is so huge – so powerful and so safe. It is. It is… It is what, I wonder? It is the Great Forgetting, it occurs somewhat incongruously to me. It’s the Big Erase. It’s the Mind Scrubber. Again however, I don’t know what this thought means or where it came from.

 

 

I am giving myself up. I can’t wait to give myself up to it. I want to hand over all responsibility. I want to hand over responsibility for my life because I’m afraid of it. I’m running away from the confusion and terror of it all and now I’ve found a hiding place. There’s nothing else I want to do – I want this oblivion more than anything I’ve ever wanted. That’s where I want to go – to that wonderful welcoming oblivion place. I want my memories to be erased. I want my awareness to be erased. I want ME to be erased…

 

 

Then I return to my senses, on the floor in a foetal sitting position – knees up, head down, arms wrapped tight around my legs, shivering in the memory of that bliss. I find myself as weak as a baby and soaked in sweat. Getting up to fetch myself a glass of water, I realize that I barely have the strength to walk. My hand shakes so violently as I try to bring the glass to my mouth that most of the water ends up on my shirt and trousers. I am left with this feeling that I have – in some way – betrayed myself, again.

 

 

I admit to being profoundly shaken by this experience. I wish I knew what it means. There is nothing in the literature on Deep-Space Psychosis that can help me. I have a sense of great foreboding about it. I also have the strangest feeling that I actually know what it means, but that I’m also – for whatever reason – hiding this knowledge from myself…

 

 

 

 

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