Poor Life Choices

I was dining on decay. I was munching on mould and feasting on fustiness. Fustiness and mustiness. The air was heavy with it, heavy with the rank odours of decay. Nothing came out of my thoughts except more thoughts. I had one thought and then almost immediately I would have another one. As people sometimes say, I was simply ‘existing for the sake of existing’. That’s what they say, isn’t it? Surviving, but that’s about it. Following on one day with another day that was exactly the same. My existence wasn’t much of an existence, I had to admit – it was just an empty pointless routine that I had inadvertently got myself into and which had now become my god…

 

Nothing ever comes out of my thoughts except more thoughts and it only ever goes from bad to worse. It didn’t start off from a good place but things began to deteriorate rapidly after that. Things went steadily downhill after that. Things went to shit after that and that’s all I can really say about it. Where am I going wrong, I ask myself? What am I doing that’s not right? People sometimes talk about making poor life-choices, don’t they? A guy said that to me once – he said that I had made some bad life-choices and that’s why I’m in the situation that I am in. It really annoys the hell out of me when people say this. ‘Stupid decisions that can ruin your whole life in a second’, it says on the internet. I looked poor life choices up to see if it was really a thing.  And apparently it is. Great. You’re supposed to look back and say, yes, I really should have taken that other road, not the road that I did take. Then things would have been so very different, right? Damn, I did the wrong thing when everything depended upon me doing the right thing… What a pisser…

 

I’m making a joke of it but it’s not really funny, I know. It’s not really as simple as I just made it out to be. The question I really want to ask is this, ‘What if there’s a whole big pattern of poor choices there, what if it’s a systematic thing which means that you’re practically ALWAYS going to be making the poor choice? What then? Can you still imagine to yourself that it’s possible that you could have done it any differently? What I’m saying here is that it’s the overall pattern of my life that’s ‘poor’ not any particular choices that I might have made along the way. That’s because they’re ALL bad choices, as I say….

 

Now I can buy into that alright – that it’s a systemic kind of a thing. That makes sense to me. It rings very true. But if it is true – as I have no doubt that it is – then what exactly am I supposed to do about it? Those people who accuse you, as they do, of having made poor life choices so that’s your problem are also implying that you could have done it differently. That however is obviously nonsense. That’s just taking the piss to say that. There’s this massive systematic thing going on that has hijacked my whole life, a huge systematic thing whereby I have messed up every single choice that I have ever been presented with, and then someone comes along, some complete and utter dick, all bright and breezy, and says that I could have done it differently! Like the clever know-it-all bastard they are. Wouldn’t it be so much better if they could only refrain from shooting their dumb mouths off? And wouldn’t you just love to just give them a truly resounding smack in the head?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Poor Life Choices

  1. Julie

    They’re right about the choices, but they’re missing that they’re projecting it out on you because they’re afraid to look at what they’ve chosen. I always hear, “Pan the camera way, way back” when I’m looking too closely. Then *I* get to choose again.

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