I used to think that I had an ego and that was bad enough, but now I’ve come to understand that it’s not that I have an ego but that I am an ego, and that’s not an easy thing to come to terms with. I used to think that I had a bit of an ego problem, that I had a bit of a problem with my ego because it kept putting me into awkward and humiliating situations. That’s not something that is easy to live with, it’s actually something that’s very hard to live with, but at least it was something that could be worked with. Therapy can help with that, for example. By gaining an awareness of ourselves – and particularly those aspects of ourselves that are not so agreeable to look at – we can change the dynamics of our situation and free ourselves up from all those negative, self-sabotaging behaviours. Awareness can change everything. I really do believe this. Or at least I used to.
The theory that I have just outlined used to make sense to me, and be a comfort to me, but not anymore. All of this fine talk quickly becomes quite meaningless if I actually am an ego, rather than just having one. It makes a mockery of everything, a pure farce of everything. Here’s me pretending to be working away doing all the stuff to free myself from the negative malignant influence of my shadow-self and become more enlightened and self-aware and ultimately free myself from from this dark and heavy ego of mine (which is the proverbial ‘millstone around my neck’) and yet the whole time I AM that ego which I am trying so hard to get rid of! What a pack of nonsense, what a vile charade! I haven’t got an ego problem I’ve got an honesty problem. I’m an unhappy self-sabotaging self-deceiving ego with a complete inability to be honest about the fact that I have zero prospects of ever changing my situation.
What’s to feel good about there? It’s a total joke – but not a funny one. It’s a joke you don’t actually laugh at because the joke’s on you. This doesn’t mean that nobody gets to laugh at the joke though – there’s lots of laughter going on out there. Plenty of laughs to be had but they’re all at your expense. You’re paying for it. You’re providing the entertainment. Everyone’s laughing – the whole world is convulsed with laughter. It’s such a great joke. You’re such a great joke. You can kind of get the joke but only in an inverted way – you can get the joke in terms of pain and humiliation because that’s what it’s like being an ego. You’re the butt. Being an ego means that you get everything backwards – God laughs at you. You’re even a joke to God. You’re outside everything; you’re on the wrong side of everything. You’re permanently excluded from everything. You’re permanently excluded from any fun that’s going on. You’re looking in at the proceedings from the other side of the Great Divide and when you see other people being happy that makes you sad because it’s not you. Their happiness cuts you like a knife…
That’s what it’s like being an ego. It’s no fun at all – it’s the very opposite of fun. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. No one respects you and you can’t even respect yourself because you know – deep down – that you’re a total dickhead. Take it from me, it’s not good. The only possible way I can ever get to feel hopeful about things is if I tell outright lies to myself, but somehow I’ve lost that all-important ability. People go on about ‘bad situations’ and ‘being in a bad place’ and so on but they really don’t know what they’re talking about. They should try being me for a change and then they’d know!