I Was In Reality

I was in the forum trying to make sense. I was trying to fill up all the space with words. Lots and lots of words. I was trying to paper over the gaps with whatever came to hand. I was in reality. I was in reality trying not to turn away, trying not to make a mad desperate break for it. I was panicking. I was freaking out big time. What’s reality all about anyway, I ask myself? How would you describe it? How would you specify it? What is it that makes reality be reality and not something else? What else would reality be if it were not reality, if it were something else completely? Does reality have to be reality – could it be something else? These questions and many more like it were swimming through my mind. What’s reality all about anyway, I think to myself? What makes it so great? What’s the big deal with it? I’m feeling resentful now. I’m full of resentment. I feel as if I might be turning against reality. Everyone says it’s so bloody great but maybe it isn’t. Maybe its shit. We have to go along with it because its reality and so what else are we supposed to do? What bloody choice do we have anyway? I feel myself sinking into a kind of depression. I am morose, fretful, given to foolish and petulant outbursts. Petulant outbursts are always foolish aren’t they? It goes without saying really but I had to go and say it. Look what you’ve done now you went ahead and said it. Imagine if there was a word that you mustn’t ever say – a word you must never never say. Imagine that you went ahead and said it – how foolish you would feel! Foolish wouldn’t be the word for how you would feel. It wouldn’t even come close.  I don’t know what the word would be. Imagine how very very angry you would be with yourself. How savagely enraged. You’d want to punish yourself – you’d want to punish yourself savagely for your incredible stupidity. Stupidity isn’t the word for it. If hell didn’t exist you’d have to create it. Does hell exist, I wonder? Is this it? Are evil spirits real? Are you evil when you hate reality? Are my thoughts all wrong? Is it wrong to think wrong thoughts?







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