My Stupid Life

Did you ever get the feeling that you were immensely, immensely bored with your life but were far too de-motivated to do anything about it? That you could never ever get around to doing anything about your life even though you hate it? That’s a feeling that I know very well.

 

Now when I say ‘bored’ I don’t just mean bored as in “There’s nothing to do so I’m bored…” I mean “Everything I do and think is totally boring because my life is totally boring” which is different can of worms altogether. Maybe I’m wrong to think this way. Maybe no one else does. I don’t know. “Was there ever anything as pointlessly absurd as my stupid so-called life?” I wonder glumly. Not that I expected an answer when I thought this, of course. Not that any answer that I might possibly have received in answer to my question would have made the slightest bit of difference anyway, I observed wryly to myself. A bit of a stupid question, in that case. Stupid question, stupid life. What would you expect anyway?  Par for the bloody course, really.

 

I’m looking under stones, seeing what I can find, but every time I lift one up it’s the same bloody thing. “Oh look, here’s another stone. I wonder what’s underneath it?” I ask, all eager. I’m full of anticipation every time but its always the same bloody thing. There is no other thing and yet I keep on turning over the stones, full of hope that I will find something good, something different. “Maybe this time’s going to be different…” I say, full of mindless optimism. Or maybe its denial. Denial that my life really is as stupid as it seems to be… “No wait, something interesting is going to happen now. It’s just around the next corner. It really is… I can hear it coming!” says my stupid mind. Stupid mind, stupid life.

 

So here I am, sitting on my thoroughly decrepit sofa – a dog-hair-infested relic from the nineteen eighties – with my laptop balanced on my knees, wondering just where the hell I go from here. Wondering what my next move is. “Maybe I should do something different,” I think. “Maybe I should do something to break the pattern…” Then in a flash of insight I realized that this thought ‘maybe I should do something to break the pattern’ was itself part of the pattern that I wished to break. I realized that the thought that I should do something new was a very old thought – as old as the pattern itself, in fact. I realized that trying to escape the pattern was the pattern. It all made perfect sense to me: trying to escape the pattern is the pattern trying to escape the pattern is the pattern trying to escape the pattern is the pattern trying to escape the pattern is the pattern trying to escape

 

So that’s how it is for me. I am hemmed in on all sides by paradox. In the middle there is this piece of stupid bullshit that I am pleased to call ‘my life’ and all around it there is a wall of paradox. All around it is an impenetrable wall of paradox. So just how am supposed to get out of this? How can anyone beat a paradox? How can anyone defeat an infinite regress? Obviously nobody can so where does that leave me? These are the type of questions I find myself asking. It’s all rhetorical of course. All purely rhetorical…

 

 

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