So I’m a creep. I admit it. I’m a complete and utter shit.
I can see it now, although of course throughout most of my life up to now I could never have thought of myself like that.
I just took it for granted that my motives were good, that I was good. I never thought I was bad the way you know some people are bad. Other people were out-and-out shits, but certainly not me! I was the Teflon King.
No matter what happened I always came out of it with my self-respect, my integrity intact. As far as I was concerned, anyway. My motivations were always the best, no matter what the outcome. If things screwed up, it wasn’t my fault.
There were always extenuating circumstances; forces beyond my control. It was never my fault.
I don’t think I ever questioned that. It was a basic assumption. You don’t question basic assumptions – you just don’t do that. The question as to whether you should question never gets asked in the first place.
So what would I say now?
I would say that it is true. I would say that I am a creep. I am a shit. I would say that every vice that has ever lived lives in me.
Every weakness. Every perversion. Every evil under the sun – its all there. In spades.
The seven virulent poisons of the soul. Are there seven? I can only think of five or six at the moment:
Laziness? I am so lazy I can’t even get around to facing up to how lazy I actually am. I couldn’t live with that knowledge probably. I would despise myself too much.
Greed? I am consumed with greed. Petty, small-minded, clutching, grasping greed.
Indefatigable greed. Endless greed. Sickening greed.
You name it.
Not only do I have them but they are actually growing within me.
They are thriving. They are proliferating. All my life they have been rooting themselves deeper and deeper, consolidating their hold on me. They flourish if nothing else does.
What comes next?
Where do I go from here?
Where does it all end?
That’s a stupid question, if ever there was one – I know where it ends. I know only too well.
Amn’t I right here talking to you?