Putting Myself Through It

octoface

I’m in the dream I’m not in the dream I’m in the dream dreaming that I’m not in the dream. Dreaming as hard as I can. I’m lost in the dream struggling to get out. Doing my damnedest. Busting my ass. Giving myself pure hell. Putting myself through it. How do you get out of a dream? How do you get lost in a dream, come to that. When you yourself are part of that dream? Answer me that. How do you get lost in the dream when you are the dream and there’s nothing else but the dream and the dream isn’t real…

 

You yourself are the dream: you’re not in the dream you are the dream. You can’t get lost in a dream because you yourself are that dream – there’s no one there to get lost! You’re only dreaming that you’re there. That’s the dream – that you’re there! There’s nothing to lose and no one to lose it. There’s no losing just the fear of losing and even the fear is only real in the dream! Which means it’s not real at all. It’s belonging to an unreal person – it’s their private property. It’s theirs and theirs along and they’re not really there…

 

I can’t seem to get past this fear though. It’s pretty big one for me. I have it in spades and spades is trumps. Spades trumps everything else. Not that there is anything else! I have the fear real bad – which is the only way you can have it, I suppose. I just can’t seem to get past it. I can’t ever get past it, not ever. It defines me, I guess: everything I do is a form of holding on. A variation thereof. Holding on as tightly as ever I can. Never stop holding on. Keep on holding on because you know what might happen if you let go… How bad would that be? I don’t know – I don’t want to find out either. I don’t intend to find out!

 

I can’t ever get past the old ‘holding on’ – I really can’t. Doesn’t matter how hard I try. All my trying is ‘holding on’ anyway. Holding on tight to what I never had. And never will have. No one there to have it anyway! Nothing to have and no one to have it…

 

Because it’s all just a dream. Dreaming so hard. Stuck in the dream box. Stuck in the dream machine. Dreaming that it’s not a dream! Dreaming that there’s something that isn’t the dream. But it’s all just a dream. Only I can’t say that it’s ‘just’ a dream; I can’t say that it’s ‘only’ a dream because there never was anything else anyway! Where does the ‘only’ come in? There never was a ‘not-dream’ – there never was and there never could be. We can only dream that there is a not-dream. It’s only real in our dreams and our dreams aren’t real.

 

We don’t even know what we’re dreaming about. How could we? We have nothing to go on because there’s no such thing. That never happened and never will. That’s just in our dreams! How could we know what the not-dream is like when there isn’t one and never could be? How do we know how to dream about it when it isn’t anything that there could ever be? Answer me that, if you can. How crazy is that? That’s plenty crazy. That’s mucho crazy. It doesn’t get any crazier than that, trust me…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.