I told a lie and then I believed in that lie. I believed in my own lie. End of story. Story of my life, really. It literally is the story of my life – that’s not just an expression, that’s not just a turn of phrase! My life is the lie I told myself, and then believed in. Where do you go from there, huh? Not much of a starting point, is it? Every time I speak I tell a lie. Every time I think I lie. My thoughts are sticky lies – they are lies that my awareness gets stuck to like big fat blue-bottles glued helplessly to a long, long strip of super-sticky fly-paper. The strip of super-sticky fly-paper goes on forever like an endless roll of Andrex. It is my life…
Every time I speak I tell a lie. Every time I think I get quite high. I get high on the lie. High as a kite. High on the lies I tell. Because I believe them all – I believe them one and all. High on all the bullshit. High on the lies which I can’t help myself from coming out with. I believe my lies as soon as I hear them. To hear them is to believe them as far as I’m concerned! To think them is to be totally and utterly convinced by them. I think therefore I believe. Cogito ergo credo. As some old bastard said. Some dirty old bastard. Some scumbag. Maybe I said it – I can’t remember…
I’m not a critical kind of a guy. I don’t ask too many questions. I don’t ask anyquestions! I’m not one for critically examining the nature of my own lies. That would never do! That wouldn’t do at all. We don’t want the bullshit to stop, do we? The hell with that. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’m not one for examining my thoughts at all – I just go along with them. I’m in the business of believing stuff not pulling it to pieces. First I come out with it and then I believe it. The one stage follows on smoothly from the other. That’s pretty much how it works. That’s exactly how it works! That’s the way it’s always worked. Time immemorial. Sort of thing. That’s the way it always has worked and that’s the way it always will.
There’s great security in believing your own bullshit, you see. That’s top quality security. The best. The cream of the cream. Or other people’s bullshit, if that’s what you want. If that’s your bag. If that’s what does it for you. You can’t go wrong with believing lies! It’s pretty much a fool-proof scheme… Why else do you think everyone is doing it? Why do you think folks are always so dead set on talking and believing-in the old BS? People aren’t stupid you know. They might pretend to be alright, but they ain’t…
My brain has turned into a lie factory – it operates on an industrial scale. The brain cells there are working on alternate shifts so that the bullshit never stops. I couldn’t afford to let it stop at this stage! Oh no – that wouldn’t do at all. What would happen then? Where would that leave me? Can you imagine how freaky that would be? How fucked up that would be. Can you imagine (I bet you can’t!) how bad that cold turkey would be? That’s the one thing that must never be allowed to happen. Never ever ever. Oh no. Anything else but that. Really, it doesn’t matter what sort of lies – however preposterous, absurd or just plain self-torturing – we have to tell, just so long as we still have lies to tell… As long as those good old lies keep on a-coming.
And that – not to put too fine a point on it – is the story of my life. That’s it in a nutshell. That’s the long and the short of it…
