A beam of light came from my heart, radiating outwards, and I felt compassion for all beings…
Who am I kidding? I hate everyone. I hate the human race, particularly. The dirty bastards. The cheap lousy conniving fuckers. I hate all of them… They can all go to hell as far as I am concerned, and the faster the better. Humanity in my eyes is no more than a crowd of mangy pus-infested jackals, yapping and snarling amongst themselves, fighting over whatever scraps of offal they can find. Either they’re bullies, or they’re busy licking away at the arse of anyone who is a bigger and meaner bastard than they are! At best, people annoy the fuck out of me. At worst – I find myself filled with utter overwhelming disgust and intense loathing for the whole degrading carry-on. Fuck them all, I thought, they don’t deserve to exist!
Human beings should all be wiped out by some kind of cleansing natural catastrophe, think. Expunged. Eradicated. Eliminated. By a giant meteorite, perhaps. Or maybe by a micro black-hole, wandering through space, the size of a pea and the mass of sixty thousand suns! Now, that would be something worth watching… Oh yes! Oh yeah, suck on that, you fuckers! How do you like them apples? Not so fucking smart now, are you?
Then I realize that I have just had a bad thought. I realize that I have just had a whole HEAP of bad thoughts! A SHIT-LOAD of bad thoughts. I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, I think to myself, overcome with guilt. They are wrong thoughts. I want to call them back, repeal them, withdraw them, but now of course it’s too late. The thoughts are out there. MY thoughts are out there. My BAD thoughts… I put them out there. I was broadcasting malice and anger into the universe and it is sure to rebound on me. Why am I so uncompassionate? Why do I harbour so much hatred and resentment? Why does my mind delight so much in negativity?
I feel a sense of overwhelming guilt and shame. I want to crawl under a stone or hide in a crack. I want to not be here. Does this mean that I’m a bad person, I wonder? Am I evil? Will I have to suffer terrible karmic retribution for thinking non-compassionate thoughts like this? Will I have to experience unbearable suffering, over and over again, on into the distant future? I probably will, I realize. I definitely deserve it. I realize that it is not the human race I have unending contempt for but myself. It’s me I hate and despise. I just find it easier to hate everyone else instead. I’m not facing up to my shadow. I’m not seeing the bloody great plank in my own eye. It’s always easier to turn a blind eye to the hideous darkness in oneself….