I am tormented on a daily basis by ceaseless pangs of nostalgia for the Projection Realm. I remember how good things were back then, how wonderful it all was, and I immediately curse myself for not properly appreciating it at the time. Or not appreciating it at all. I appreciate it in hindsight all right but this type of retrospective appreciation cuts me like a knife every time. It cuts deeply into my flesh, exposing a mass of quivering naked nerves, creating an inner world of raw pain with every cut. It exposes the loss of everything that I once took so very much for granted.
Life was so simple when I lived in the Projection Realm – trouble has since come to my door but back then I didn’t know the meaning of the word. I thought I did but I didn’t. I imagined at the time that I had troubles but looking back I can see that I had absolutely no problems at all. I only fantasized that I had. Fantasies born of pure idleness, nothing more. If I was back there in the Projection Realm I would get down on my knees and kiss the ground in front of me in gratitude for such so-called ‘problems’. I would consider myself the recipient of incredible good fortune. I didn’t realize my good fortune at the time however. It was quite wasted on me, blind self-absorbed heedless fool that I was…
Of course I have to admit that when I lived in the Projection realm I hadn’t been properly awake. I hadn’t actually been what you might call ‘conscious’. I hadn’t in fact been conscious of anything other than my own mental projections and I didn’t even know that they were projections. I didn’t even know what projections were. Everything simply happened back then – it all just mechanically happened and I would thoughtlessly go along with it. Something would trigger the mechanical reflex inside me and I would act it out and as I acted it out I would imagine that I was deliberately performing the action. Whatever it was. In my stupidity would imagine myself to be some kind of an autonomous agent. I imagined myself to be the master of my own fate. The Steersman – kubernétés. The fearless decider of my own actions. And boy did that feel good. Life was so damn simple then. I had had it so bloody easy. Although as I say I can only appreciate that fact retrospectively.
In the Projection Realm you never see reality. That’s pretty much the point, you could say. You never even come close to seeing reality. All you ever see is what your own mechanical mind is projecting ahead of you and then that projection magnetizes you either one way or the other. It hypnotizes you and then that hypnotic effect just draws you on and on like some kind of sleep-walker. You’re in some kind of somnambulistic trance only you don’t realize it. You never realize it. You think that you’re wide awake and that you know what you’re doing. You think that you are acting in total consciousness. Only really the projection is leading you on, leading you on, leading you on the whole time. If the projection is of the positive variety then it pulls you on and you can’t resist it. It’s like a siren. The creature from Greek mythology not the thing that makes a loud noise. Your arms and legs move of their own accord. Somnambulistically. Only the whole time you’re hypnotized so that you think you’re doing it of your own free will. You think that you’re moving them on purpose.
And with the repellent projections it is of course the other way around. It’s the other way around, but it’s exactly the same thing. It’s the same thing only in reverse. It kind of takes the responsibility out of life doesn’t it? There’s no responsibility left in it. You’re not living life, you just think you are. You’re living something else. You’re not living life at all, you’re living a fantasy. It’s not ‘living’ we’re doing either. Chasing projections is what we are doing. Not because we want to either but because we can’t help it! That’s the whole beauty of it you see – it all happens quite automatically. You don’t have to do a thing. You just have to go along with it and make out that it’s all happening the way you want it to. Make out that you’re in charge, that you’re steering the boat. As I’ve said, it’s all pure fantasy. And yet the odd thing is that I’m eaten up with nostalgia for it. I’m beating myself up every day for not appreciating it when I had it!