Walking down the road to catch the red bus. Cold rain pissing down everywhere. Just for a change. It’s 8:15 in the morning and my head is full of shit. Full of the purest, most nonsensical shit. Chock-a-black with shit. Humming with it. Thrumming with it. Like the most highly-tuned engine ever.
You wouldn’t believe the volume of shit that is passing through my brain – you really wouldn’t. It’s like the Niagara Falls. 2500 cubic meters of bullshit per second. How my brain handles all that volume of shyte I’ll never know. That’s pure processing power that is. It’s crazy shit too. It’s mental. It’s the stupidest stuff you could ever imagine. You couldn’t imagine it. You honestly couldn’t. It defies description. It defies belief. It defines sanity. It’s the dumbest, stupidest shit in the entire universe and my brain is operating full-throttle processing it…
This bullshit engine isn’t ever going to run down I realize. It’s not ever going to run out of fuel – strangely enough. It’s tank never runs dry. Its motor is functioning as perfectly, as flawlessly now as it ever did. Better, in fact. The engine in my head never ran as well as this. It was smoother and sleeker, somehow. A sense of veiled power. It’s like I used to drive around in an old unreliable diesel Opel Ascona and now I’m cruising the streets in a high-powered Merc. The smooth but meaty purr of the 5.5 L engine under the bonnet. Leather seats.
How does this work, I wondered (between various nonsensical thoughts)? Everything else wears down, everything else degrades with time but this thing upgrades. Tell me how this works, please… How come this is the one thing that works better for me, better than it has ever has, whilst everything else works worse? Or perhaps not at all, I considered glumly. Just tell me how the hell this works? It’s against all the laws of nature.
In a world where everything else is guaranteed to falter and eventually run down entirely how is that the engine of my nonsense-thinking mind manages to upgrade itself every year? It used to be a Fiat Punto and now it’s a massive great fuck-off SUV with blacked-out windows. There’s no stopping the bastard thing – it roars like a lion. Where will it end, I wonder pensively. In a few years more I’ll be travelling to work in my very own faster-than-light space-ship. I’ll have swapped the internal combustion engine for a fully-fledged tachyon drive… I’ll be travelling at multiples of the speed of light on the business end of a multidimensional plume of tachyonic particles – punching a hole through to whole new universes…
Whole new universes of uncharted bullshit, I remark sardonically to myself, cutting short my own fantasy. This isn’t a tachyon drive I am talking about here – it’s an entropy drive! Tachyons travel faster than the speed of light whilst entropy substitutes the virtual for the real without us being able to tell the difference.
My mind had discovered the entropy drive and it wasn’t ever going to wear out. Underneath the bonnet of my skull hummed the biggest, most powerful engine the universe had ever known – the entropy engine. Yippee! Lucky old me! I told myself. I’m really on the pig’s back now and what a pig that is! Some pig alright.
Instead of travelling to another universe I am heading at warp-factor nine up my own arse-hole! Not the most inspiring of journeys, I concede but hey – at least it’s some kind of progress I’m making here…