Reality Was Freaking Me Out


Reality was freaking me out. “You’re freaking me out man” I said to reality but reality didn’t care. It carried on freaking me out just the same. It didn’t give me a break. That’s reality for you I thought to myself bitterly. It never gives you a break. It never lets up. No sir it doesn’t. Heedless to my objections, reality just kept on freaking the shit out of me.


This wasn’t good my mind told me. It wasn’t any good at all – in fact it was very bad. Possibly the worst thing possible. My mind raced through all its possibilities, all the various potential scenarios for solving this particular nasty problem. This particular very nasty problem. Reality is freaking me out so what do I do? What’s the best angle on this to take? How do I work this? How do I play it? I was trying to be solution-focussed…


There’s a way around everything, my mind was telling me. It’s just a matter of figuring it out. It’s just a matter of coming up with the right angle. Just give me the word and I’ll come up with the right package for you my mind told me. I was getting pretty desperate at this stage as you can imagine. I was ready to buy into anything anyone had to offer. I didn’t even care what it was. In fact I didn’t give a damn what it was – I wanted answers and I didn’t care what they were. “You’ve got it mind,” I said, “I’ll take whatever you’ve got…”


So that was that. I bought the package. I signed on the dotted line. I authorized my mind to act on my behalf. And my mind was quick off the mark, I can tell you. It didn’t hang around. It was fairly flying. Boy did it fly. My mind was like a silver needle threading this way and that, moving at the speed of light. It was up to something but I didn’t know what. Up to its devilish cleverness, up to one of its dazzling stunts. Thought was doing its thing, weaving a silver palace in the air before you could say Jack Robinson, before you could say Jack Sprat could eat no fat.


It all happened in a flash. Faster than the eye could see. It was done and dusted before you could shake a stick at it. I’d signed on the dotted line and all I had to do was sit back and wait for the package to be delivered. It wasn’t up to me anymore. And my mind was going to deliver, no doubt about that. It was a busy as hell. The knitting needles of thought flew this way and that, knitting a new reality. Clicketty-clack, clicketty-clack, clicketty-clack, went those needles. Putting together that new reality. Never dropping a stitch. Next thing was that thought went back in time and rewrote history. This was the final flourish that would set the ball in motion, get the show on the road. Thought flashed back to the beginning of it all when I signed on the dotted line. When I agreed to buy into the rescue package it was going to come up with for me. “Having problems with reality?” asked the man in the sharp suit, “Just let the experts at Thought Inc. take care of it for you…”


Thought flashed back and forth at the speed of light and made it so that never happened. There never had been problem and I had never needed a solution. I had never done a deal with thought. I had never bought into anything. Nothing had happened. There had been no agreement. There had been no signing on the dotted line. I had never said YES to the package and there never had been a package to say YES to. In this way thought wrote itself out of the equation, it removed all traces of its own intervention…


So everything was great. Everything was just fine. Fine and dandy. No problems anywhere. Reality was just normal. Reality had always been normal. There was no other way for Reality to be.


The only thing was that reality was total crap. It was a complete dud…

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