I was in disguise. I was delighted. I was thrilled. They will never find me, not in a million years will they ever find me I said to myself. I was chuffed. This time I had it sussed – no one was going to catch me out this time. I was disguised as a table. I even had a table cloth over me – and cups and saucers and cutlery arranged on top. Not a thing out of place. They all rushed into the room, “Aah, there you are Nick,” they said, “pretending to be a table…”

I was furious. I was disgusted. How could they see through my disguise so quickly, I wondered. I walked out in a huff. This was a stupid game I said to myself. I didn’t know why I bothered playing it. Then I realized that it was still my go. It was always my go. I stopped in the hall and disguised myself as a hat-stand, complete with a range of hats. There was a Bowler hat, a Fedora, a Stetson, a Fez, a Flat Cap, a Canadian Fur Trapper’s hat and a Lady’s hat with two peacock feathers. The disguise was complete. Then everyone ran up laughing and making smart comments, “Ah there you are Nick,” they said, “pretending to be a hat-stand…”

I was livid. I was fuming. I was beside myself with rage. I was absolutely hopping. I stalked off. This game was no fun at all, I realized. I left the house and walked down the drive, brooding morosely. Muttering darkly to myself. I would teach them, I thought. Then I had I had a brainwave. I disguised myself as a wide-open field, covered in grass and dandelions and small irregular hummocks of earth. With little piles of sheep shit here and there and the occasional clump of magic mushrooms popping up here and there cheekily from amongst the little pellets of shit. In no time at all they all hopped and skipped and danced out of the house and proceeded to run around and around in circles in the field, shrieking with laughter, “Aah here you are Nick,” they cried out gleefully, “pretending to be a field…”

Boy was I pissed! I was fit to kill someone this time. I was really annoyed this time. Really fucking mad. I ran away squalling and spluttering like a complete out-of-control mental lunatic: “Fuck the whole lot of you! Fuck you all…”

Then I got tired running and sat down for a while, wracking my brains as to what I should disguise myself as this time. It occurred to me then – and not for the first time, either – that I REALLY hated this game…