I’m the kind of a guy who’s very good at pretending to know about something when actually he doesn’t. I’m very quick that way – I think on my feet, so to speak. I’d go so far as to say that I have an uncanny – almost supernatural – ability in this regard. A gift, you might say. Not that it’s ever done me any good…
A few people might be talking away on this subject or that subject and I’d come along and join in the conversation making out that I was a real expert in whatever it was, even though I wasn’t. This would be pretty normal behaviour for me. It’s what I do. I guess you could say that it’s my modus operandi. And the weird thing about this is that as I am talking, interjecting with this comment and that comment, I will totally convince myself that I really do know what I am talking about. If anyone happens to disagree with me I will get very annoyed. Another weird thing about this is that although I’d felt very passionate about the subject at the time (as if it were a real genuine interest of mine) barely a moment or two later I’d abruptly lose all interest in it! I’d never think about it again…
In a way I suppose you could say that I’m a sort of intellectual chameleon – no matter what the topic of conversation is I immediately manage to grasp the essentials and hold forth like a true pro. It’s kind of intuitive with me – I couldn’t tell you how I do it! It’s a form of confidence, I guess you could say. Its a form of confidence that can really land me in trouble sometimes, as I’d be the first to admit, but I still see it as my greatest asset. It’s a strength I can rely on – I’m like a confidence trickster or something and the weird thing is that I even manage to trick myself! That’s how good I am.
And yet even as I come out with all this I can’t help seeing that as I do so I’m glossing over a deeper, more sinister side to this whole business. This whole business of me being so damn quick to make out that I know all about everything. You see the thing is that I REALLY don’t know. I actually don’t know anything. It’s not just that I don’t know very much about the subject,or that I’m a bit sketchy or whatever – the point is that I don’t know ANYTHING. The point is that I am covering up an abyss of ignorance with my oh-so-plausible patter. I’m covering up a void, a vacuum. It’s terrifying how little I know! It frightens me to see how little I know. That’s why I’m so quick to open my mouth and start blabbing away – it’s because I’m trying to prevent myself from catching sight of just how complete my ignorance of life is.
It’s not like I’m just a bit dumb or naive or uneducated or anything like that. I wouldn’t mind that. I wouldn’t be afraid of catching sight of that. I wouldn’t be frightened of finding out that I’m a little bit naive about things. No, what I’m talking about goes way beyond that. What I’m talking about is another kettle of fish entirely. When I say that I know nothing I really do mean that I know NOTHING. I know nothing at all about anything. Inside me there’s an abyss of incomprehension. I really don’t get it. I really don’t have a clue.
You might ask me at this point what exactly it is that I don’t get. I don’t get ANYTHING. I don’t get ANYTHING AT ALL. This is what I’m trying to cover up with all my smart talk, all my quick banter. By always trying to make out that I’m such a bloody expert. I’m trying to cover up the fact that I’m a total fraud. My whole life is a fraud. Everything about me is a fraud. I’m not a real person at all. I pretend to be a real person but I’m not…