So anyway they caught me (they always catch me) and then they injected me with the heavy energy so that I couldn’t escape any more. So that I couldn’t escape from being what I wasn’t, which was the false-self system. The false-self system thus became my constant companion, my shadow, my second skin, my second nature. The false-self system dogged me – it followed me wherever I went like a bloodhound, it tracked me like an electronic surveillance network picking me up wherever I went. Wherever I went there it was a fraction of a second later like an echo – like an echo of myself that was not myself. It wasn’t my second nature really because it was nothing to do with me but yet it was because I knew it so well.
Was it that I knew it so well or was it that it knew me so well? I get confused as to whether there is any difference or what the difference is and the reason I get confused about the difference is because the me that knows the false echo of myself is actually the false echo of itself and so why wouldn’t I (which is really it) know itself? I am it and it is me and that’s the whole point of the exercise. The whole point is that I become it and it becomes me so that there isn’t any difference any more so that there isn’t anything else anything else apart from the false-self system and the nearly instantaneous reflection or reverberation of that same false self-system like clapping your hands in an old deserted warehouse littered with old busted pallets with bent nails sticking out at all angles and torn strips of dusty old polythene sheeting and broken fragments of strip lighting crunching underfoot where the echo comes back so fast that there’s almost no gap at all where the echo follows so fast on the heels of the original that there’s practically no gap at all and the gap is where you live the only space you have left to live in – which isn’t really any space at all.
And what happens then is that the trap keeps closing keeps closing keeps closing and the echo of the clap keeps closing in as the false-self system dogs you and dogs you and dogs you because it wants to become you because it wants to become everything about you wants to own you wants to own every inch of you so that there’s nothing left that it doesn’t own.
So the thing is – what I’m trying to say is – that it all becomes just the one clap, the two claps are simultaneous and if there is any gap if there is any delay then it’s only a virtual one far too fleeting to even catch sight of because when the false-self system catches hold of you and gets right into you then you get all slow and heavy far too slow and heavy ever to see the gap – the gap which would allow you to escape the two metal pincers of the clap and the echo of the clap the stimulus and the response which is the mechanical reverberating system of the false self. Then at that point when that happens then it’s all over – it’s all over because the false-self system has become you, all of you with none left over and you don’t know the difference.
Or maybe a part of you still does, a hidden, lost part in which you still have the dim dim awareness of what has been done to you that you have been squeezed out of the picture by the clap and the echo of the clap by the trigger and the reaction to the trigger and so you know to try to escape even though you’re much too heavy and much too slow ever to do so. But you try all the same, ever so often you make the attempt to get away but the reason you can’t ever do it isn’t because you’re too slow or it’s too fast but because you are it.
So when you try to escape it it’s the false-self system that’s trying to escape from itself to run away from itself but it’s bringing itself along with it wherever it goes and that’s why the whole thing is so very sad so very hopeless so very heavy and so very graceless. You’re haunting yourself you’re dogging yourself you’re persecuting yourself and the worse you feel as a result to more tightly you hold onto yourself you cling to yourself like a drowning man with his straw only the straw is a millstone around his neck dragging yourself with you wherever you go in your clumsy attempt to escape only it isn’t really yourself you’re dragging at all. It’s just this thing.
I wonder sometimes why they want to do this to me, why they want to inject me with the heavy energy to make me slow, far too slow to escape the pursuing echo of who I’m not. I can’t understand their malice. The extent of their malice. I get confused trying to work it out.
Sometimes it even comes to me that they are trying to help me by showing me how very bad it is – how infinitely bad it is – to be trapped in the false-self system…