The Quest


I was on the quest for the super-rejuvenating elixir of eternal life. I was making my way through the woods when I came across a blackbird caught in a thick hedge of thorns. “Help me to escape from these thorns” the blackbird cried out piteously to me as I passed by. “I’m on a quest for the super-rejuvenating elixir of eternal life you dumb fuckwit” I replied, “I haven’t got time to stop to help idiot birds that get stuck in hedges!”


I carried on my way for a while when I came upon a fox with its paw trapped in a hunter’s snare. “Help me to get free from this snare” the fox begged me. “Fuck you, asshole,” I answered, “I haven’t got time for that. You should pay more attention to where you put your paws…” Shortly after this I came across a deer whose antlers were tangled up in a chicken wire fence. “Please help me free myself from this fence” the deer implored me. “Fuck you bitch,” I told it, “what makes you think I’ve got time to sort your problems out? I’ve got important business of my own to attend to.”


This kind of thing went on for quite a while until I eventually got to the enchanted well which was guarded by a truly hideous-looking hag with bow legs, baggy knees, hairy warts growing out of her tongue and a mass of twirly teeth like so many bizarre yellow tusks which stuck out at all sorts of crazy angles from her mouth. The hag looked winsomely at me through her small red eyes and asked me with a simper for a kiss in return for letting me draw some water from the well. “Fuck that,” I replied, “have you looked in the mirror recently? You’re not exactly going to make it onto the front cover of Cosmopolitan now are you? Get out of my way you filthy decrepit hag before I throw you down your own stinking well.”


“Wrong answer,” says she and lets out a great shrieking cackle of laughter, practically splitting her sides with her unholy mirth.


And then the next thing I knew – before I even had the time to let out a fart never mind get away – a flock of giant flapping crows appear and, seizing hold of my limbs and head with their vicious claws, carry me off into the depths of the woods. After many hours of flying (during which I got copiously covered in crow shit) they eventually drop me into the darkest and most inaccessible heart of the forest which was  – as I knew all too well – a dark and deadly maze from which no mortal man had ever managed to escape and undoubtedly never could.


“Oh fuck,” I cursed, “now I get it. I was supposed to have been kind to all those little fuck-witted forest creatures so that they could now help me find my way out of this shit hole.” I cursed and swore and I cursed and I swore as I realized my error, but it was no good. I really had fucked up this time, as I could now see only too clearly. “Look you little forest animals,” I called out in desperation, “if you help me out of this I promise you I’ll be nice to you next time – as God is my witness I will.” But even as the words left my lips I knew there was no chance that I’d be able to talk my way out of this one…

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