I like to have a rule for everything I do – if I’m going to the shop to buy some bread or some milk I say: “I have to buy some bread!” or “I have to buy some milk!” Then off I go to obey the rule and everything is fine. Everything is great. I make the rule and then I obey it. It feels good to be obeying the rule. There are lots and lots of things that I need to do during the day and so I have to have lots and lots of rules to tell me to do them all. I am kept very busy obeying all these rules and that feels good. I know I am correctly obeying all the rules and this is very reassuring for me. It gives me a very reassuring feeling…
Sometimes I’m not busy. Sometimes I do nothing and I have a rule for that too: I say “Do nothing for a while now!” and sometimes I specify the time. Then I do nothing, in accordance with the rule that I have just made. Then when the time’s up I say “Get up and do the thing now!” Whatever the thing is. Whatever it is that I need to do next.
Sometimes I’m with my friend and I make a rule saying “I have to talk to my friend!” and then I say some stuff to him. I say some shit. Something or other. Whatever is appropriate. It could be anything. Sometimes I specify what I am going to say. I might for example tell myself to say “Did you see Manchester United playing against Bayer Leverkusen last night?” And then I go ahead and say it. I go ahead and obey the rule and it feels good. Then my friend might say something back to me and that feels good too.
Rules are very important to me – as you can see. They keep me busy. They make me feel as if I am doing the right thing and there is a lot of reassurance in this, as I have said. I make rules for other people sometimes but they don’t always obey them. This is something I can’t understand at all. When other people don’t take any notice of the rules that I have made for them then I get very very angry. I’m like a total madman then. I go ape-shit. I go completely off my head. Sometimes when people don’t obey the rules I get so angry with them that I actually want to kill them. I want to make a rule for myself to kill them. But I don’t make this rule. Instead, I make the rule that says I mustn’t make this rule. And so nothing actually happens, even though I do feel VERY, VERY angry….