I was frightened, very frightened. More than just badly unnerved, or severely frightened, I was frankly terrified. I had never known fear of this magnitude before, never known anything even remotely comparable to it. “Right,” I thought to myself, desperately trying to take back some ground for myself, “I’m going to get myself out of this. I’m going to get through this thing…”
But even as I thought this I knew that it was only the fear speaking, not me. After a while the fear spoke again, “You’ll be OK,” it said, “You’re going to be alright, you’ll see. Everything’s going to work out…”
Hearing the fear speak like this made me more afraid than ever – it chilled me to the very bone. The fear started to blabber hysterically then, “It’s going to be OK, it’s going to be OK, it’s going to be OK, it’s going to be OK, it’s going to be OK…”
I could feel the madness bubbling up freely from within me now. Utter panic taking hold.
The fear was controlling me completely at this stage. The fear was the boss. It was the puppet-master and I was the puppet. I could feel its fingers. I could feel its icy hand reaching right up my arse. All the way up.
I wasn’t even a puppet, it occurred to me then, because at least puppets have a bit of substance to them, whilst I didn’t have any. I had no substance, none at all. I was like an infinitely thin membrane stretched across the fingers and hand of the puppet-master. “I am a membrane, I am a membrane, I am a membrane…” I kept on thinking to myself, trying my best to distract myself from what I had just glimpsed.
Only I wasn’t really thinking this at all, of course. The fear was making me think it. The fear was thinking it through me – it was the puppet-master and I was the membrane. Thinking whatever the fear made me think. “I am a membrane, I am a membrane, I am a membrane, I am a membrane…” the fear yapped on hysterically in my head, like some sort of insane tape-loop.
That fear frightened me. Listening to it babble away like that in my head frightened me because I could hear the outright madness in it – the sort of madness you just don’t come back from. You don’t come back from madness like that, the fear told me. You don’t ever come back. Not ever…
It occurred to me then that I was still holding onto some basic vestige of sanity. Holding on for dear life. It was stretched very thin by now. Very thin indeed. It had no more stretch in it, I realized. It was quite out of stretch. It was on the point of breaking. I had reached my limit, I could see. The limit of my sanity.
A new wave of fear broke over me – terror so great that I had never ever in my life even imagined that there might be such a thing, such a possibility. A new, uncharted realm of terror. A whole new world of terror, an unsuspected world made suddenly real. A revelation of terror. A negative epiphany.
I had to do something, I realized at this point. I had to take action – this was my very last chance.
And then I knew what it was I had to do. I would create a fear-proof world for myself, a private world, a private universe within which no fear would be allowed…
I would build it brick by brick. I would build it atom by atom, molecule by molecule. I would construct it detail by detail, bit by bit, unit by unit, section by section, out of nothing. Ex Nihilo.
I would specify what was to be in it, down to the last detail. Nothing would get past me. Nothing would be allowed to be in it apart from what I myself put in it. I would be like God, in this respect. In fact, it occurred to me, as far as this private universe was concerned I would be God. I would be the Creator.
I would conceive of and create every single thing in it – if I didn’t say for it to be there, then it wouldn’t be there. Everything would depend upon my word, upon my thoughts. It would be a water-tight world, a perfectly sealed world. Nothing suspect would be allowed in. There would be no windows and no doors. Via this supreme act of control The Fear would be blocked out.
And then I would enter the world and close the door behind me forever. I would enter my own private universe and seal it behind me, never to be re-opened. I would seal myself off in this world and then I would be safe. Safe forever…